Saturday, November 17, 2007

First Thanksgiving as a Married Woman

This Thanksgiving holiday was the first one for me as a married woman. Besides the many family secrets that seemed to spill out into the street for the world to see, for the most part, it was uneventful. I ate too much (it's evident in my pants). I laughed alot and cried some. I even got the chance to lecture the generation up under me, especially now that plenty of them are teenagers and young adults (an interesting group). I also was asked alot about when I would have a child. And for every person that asked the question, I told them to love on our dog. I got the chance to hold my new nephew in my arms. I was able to hug on two out of six nieces. The only thing I missed doing was watching tv with my mom and falling asleep right under her. I spent time with my two grandmothers and prayed for my grandfathers who have long since left this life. I thought quite a bit about my marriage and where it was going. Being around family makes you reflect like that, partially because I could physically see what was really going on with the ones that are married and I got to speculate why other's weren't going to get married. For my family they wanted to know that I was okay although they could see the dim light in my eyes every time I started to speak about my marriage. I even entertained the thought of moving home, but I know that won't occur for a while now. I guess all in all, it was like any other Thanksgiving visit.

Sunday, November 11, 2007

You Can Do It!

Yesterday, after lunch with a friend at one of my favorite restaurants, we went to one of our favorite places, Border's Books. To me, just like the toy store was to me as a child, I got lost amongst all of the books. Well, as I started to read through some of the more interesting titles, I came across a book in the psychology /self help section that just kind of spoke to me. The book is called "You Can Do It! The Merit Badge Handbook for Grown Up Girls." Now the book struck me for a few reasons because I have been trying to reinvent myself for what seems like forever. And with reinvention comes change or rather more like evolution. I know that I am a different woman now than when I was 25. But the difference with me now is that I know that many things around me and within me are changing. I'm realizing that change is a necessary and scary thing, but if I don't then I run the great risk of shortchanging myself of the life I know I am supposed to lead.

So this book has alot of things in it that has attainable goals that all too often, we as women don't go out and try because we make excuses for why we can't do anything when all we really need is one reason why you can. And best of all, it's one of those books where it's cool if you do it by yourself but it is even better if you have someone else with you. I managed to have two people with me. And you know what, I feel that through this and some other things that I'm working with, I will finally be able to get my self esteem and confidence back.

Sunday, November 04, 2007

Been married six months and ...

the conversation has turned to children. Let me make this clear .... I do want children. For a long time in my life I knew that I wanted to have children, an extension of myself walking around. Of course though, I had this life plan built since I was 8 or so with plans to go to college, work a good job, find a great guy, get married to that great guy, get a house, get a pet and have a baby. For the most part, I've done that, but my original plan was to have all of that happen by the time I was 25. And by 25 I mean have all of that done by 25 with baby #2 coming along right about now. So clearly everything didn't go as planned, of course. Everything fell where it was supposed to fall. But here I am at 29 seriously thinking about children, along with a PhD program and home repairs. I read in a previous blog that you are never really truly "yourself" after you have big events happen to you, be them good or bad. I believe I've been altered along with the many big changes that have happened in my life. When I think back, the Caryn at 5 years old is different from the one at 15 who is definitely different from the one at 25. The woman that I am right now, I'm sure she will be different in another 331 days. But kids? Even at the point where I am right now, I just got good being the mom of a shih tzu dog. Maybe I'm putting too much pressure on myself. I spent the past 13 years of my life doing everything I could to not get pregnant and here I am wanting to have a baby. I hope that I can do it and still be able to hold on to a piece of who I am, but I already know, that too will change.