Well here we are ..... 2007 is coming to a close and 2008 is a year filled with plans and promise. I've had more than my fair share experiences happen to me in 2007 and 2008 marks my 3 decade of life. A life filled with fun and fellowship, laughter and loss, grief and good times. So what is it that I am holding on to that makes me feel like I haven't moved very far when in fact I have jumped over things in leaps and bounds?
I think about this as I celebrate my first Christmas as a married woman in the Detroit suburbs and I'm just sick about it. I think that I should have gone to St. Louis instead. There was nothing about this Christmas that was romantic or special. It honestly felt like any other day and is that how Christmas is supposed to feel or be like? No dinner at the table together where both parties are actually interested in what the other has to say. No surprises. No smooches while preparing dinner. It was just like any other day and that's what has upset me the most. I could have spent this time with my family, laughing and talking about stuff. I could have awakened with my oldest niece already in my face trying to get me up. The only thing that moved me today was the sermon and even that kind of had me in a down place because right before church, we got into it. You aren't supposed to fight on Christmas. And with it being such a happy time, why do I feel invisible to my husband. It's like he sees me but doesn't really see me. Almost like he's the main one with feelings and thoughts and emotions and I'm secondary.
So what I'm thinking is this ... maybe 2008 is my season of change and just getting right. I've spent a good deal of my life tot his point trying to get things right or good for other people while all the while neglecting the very one that needs the love and attention. I can't live very long if all I do is just do for others and not take care of myself and my needs. When I get sick, do I really need permission to take care of myself? When I hurt, do I really need permission to make myself feel better? Of course the answer to that is no. So if I know the answer then why do I continue to put myself in a situation where everyone else gets what they want and I just go without? Well no more! Because now that I am moving into my 30s, I have to take charge of my own life and happiness. As much as I love my spouse, he doesn't MAKE me happy, only I can do that.
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