Old School Relationships ... The beginning

I remember being in the second grade in Mrs. Smith's class. It was Valentine's day and we were allowed to give candy and cards to our friends. I received a card that was special from this boy name Maurice. For a third grader he was tall with hazel eyes. That day he sent me a Valentine's card and in it he asked me if I would be his girlfriend with a box for "yes," "no," and "maybe" on the card. Later on that day, after much serious contemplation that I could muster as a 2nd grader, I answered his question with a yes and I had a boyfriend, it was that simple. We ate lunch together, we played with our friends on the playground and laughed about silly things. Although I didn't end up kissing my first boy until the 5th grade or so, I knew what was relationship was- at least in my 2nd grade mind I did. My how things have changed since the days of those boxes, that question in particular. Nowadays no one asks that important question anymore. It's alot of assuming that happens between couples- never a definite, just assumptions. "So I guess because we sleep together, you think that we're a couple?" "I mean I go out with him, but he thinks we are a couple when we aren't!" The reasons, or rather excuses, could reach far beyond the stratosphere. I think if we came up with enough excuses why not, it might actually hit God in the face- give the Creator a black eye for it all. But all in all, we've either used or have fallen for many of these reasons/excuses. However, I have a strong belief that the planets will again align and one day I'll be driving in my car, speaking to a man that I've been getting to know for the past 2 months. And in our laughing about the things that have occured in our day, the conversation take on a new tone and will go like this:

"Caryn I've been meaning to ask you something."

"Okay, ask away. I'm always the one asking the questions."

"Well there's really no right way to do this."

"Well whatever you have to say, just say it. What can it hurt you?"

"You're right. Well, you know how much I like you and the past couple of months have really solidified it for me that you are the one for me."

"Okay ..."

"It's not everyday a man finds a woman like you- you have it all together and just make me feel good no matter what's going on with me. I like that feeling. You make me happy."

"Okay- you tell me that everyday. I'm just being myself, no more, no less."

"I know, that's what makes you special."

"What did you want to ask me?"

"So ... what I wanted to know is ... man this is hard ... will you be, well I would be honored, if you would be my girlfriend?"

What woman wouldn't want that?

He likes me .... Jaime in C major

To have someone like me as much as I like him has been a hard thing to come by. I believed that there was a time when no one would like me back because they were more concerned about what they could get from me rather than linking up with me emotionally. But here I am, trying to do my thing and work on me and someone chooses me and likes me. I wasn't trying to be chosen, I was minding my business. Lo and behold he saw me and wanted to find out who I was. I wasn't being spectacular or anything, just helping my sistersororfriend get married and being a concerned bridesmaid. I guess yellow attracts people like that. But I didn't expect to walk out of her wedding reception holding his hand. And although we've had two official dates, one visit before I left the state and a slew of daily phonecalls, he's conceded that he's ready to spend his time with me, his life with me. He's willing to do what I want to do, willing to go where I want to go. He's not afraid of it all. He likes that I'm funny and not so funny and that I get emotional at times. He likes that I'm working hard to trust him and putting effort in getting to know who he is as a man, as Jaime. I like that he likes me back. I like that he sends me poetry and tells me that I'm perfect for him, even when he's laughing at me. He says I'm good for him and the only thing he wants to do is to show me how much he wants to make me happy- he declared that he was gonna make me happy. I like that he is Jaime all the time.

Letting him go

The hardest thing for a person to do- regardless of race, gender, color, creed, sexual orientation- is to admit when a relationship has run it's course. We've all, in some way, have encountered this brutal truth being brought to life. It may have happened when you were in the car one day and the thought hit you like a blast of cold air. It may have happened when as you were leaving your significant other and it dawned on you that you deserve better. Or something touched you as you were writing about something completely different and unrelated. In my case, I had it happen last night in a dream where all over the place, in many different instances, "You deserve more than what you've gotten" kept showing up. It was time to heed that call. I'd never, ever expect another man to try and make up for the mistakes of another, he'd be working overtime in that case, but I know better than to make something work when it won't, no matter how much you try to super glue things back together.

So I say to him today, with sincerity, I don't apologize for loving and caring for you, but the truth is that we are not good for one another, despite our knowing one another for years. Part of me thinks that our chance to be happy with one another was doomed from the beginning, but we still worked hard to make things happen. Our lives are in two different directions on so many levels that sometimes even I can't comprehend it. I never felt that you understood or cared about what I did for a living even though I tried very hard to understand what you do so that I could relate and be there for you. I can't be where you are and you can't be where I am, even when the opportunity comes for us to meet in the middle. I don't want to continue to wait on someone who never shows up and I don't want to continue to have to redirect my emotions towards IM when I'd rather be touching you. Your career choice forces you to leave the country at times, be incognito for weeks, even months at a time, and I understand that. But my career choice allowed me to make the decision to get closer to you physically and it seemed like you didn't want any part of that. For me to be the woman I am and working hard to become and I need a support system that is right there with me, pushing me to work harder. I like that I had the chance with you, and we both tried, but I can't deal with it anymore. Emotionally, I am empty when I'm supposed to be overflowing and I don't want to be empty anymore. I came to this conclusion months ago, but I held on to the simple faith that I'd see you and what I was feeling was wrong. In true form, you never showed up- and that spoke to me on so many levels. I can't deny this feeling inside me that just grows and grows with each passing day. So with this, I say, thank you for the life lesson and the lesson learned. Goodbye.

An upgrade in thinking

The past few days of my life since I have come back to my hometown for an internship have been mind-boggling, at best. Not that things have really changed sufficiently since I left for college and not looked back in 1996, but how many things often stay the same, suffering from sameness, indifference and settling. A day or so ago, I sent out an email to my diva-in-training counterparts about going from good to great. I give all credit for the "good to great" ideology from Dr. Beth Triplett and a book she has gotten me reading called "Good to Great" by Jim Collins. I put the challenge out to my sisterfriends to push past only being good and not let current situations and circumstances determine their greatness. I think about countless people who didn't let their current circumstances determine what they did next. Man how a situation can stagnate a person's growth!! But it only stagnates if a person lets it happen. Even in my own situation, with money being tight, had I NOT taken the internship, I wouldn't have had this mental upgrade in thinking, and I would not have had the opportunity to learn about myself and my own drive. Besides, who got anywhere from just being a good boy or a good girl? Who the hell wants only to be a good doctor or a good writer or a good cook? In our world, we put more emphasis on being good than asking one, "What will it take for you, this job, this letter, this lasagna, this moment, etc., to become great?" Yes we can attribute many things to God, the Creator, Synergy and what ever other name you can call your Diety. Some of us attribute greatness to luck. I personally believe it is attributed to will, choice and work- you have your will to make that choice to work for it. We were all given the same amount of everything- brains, talent and will. It's what we choose to do with them that gets all of us from good to great to sustained greatness.