Learning my Lessons

It has been said that those that don't learn from their mistakes are often doomed to repeat them. Oh how tried and true this statement is! As women, we often don't listen to our gut instincts when it comes to love and relationships because we are convinced that we can fix any situation. Case and point- this weekend I got a call from a man I had serious chemistry with last year. When he and I would see one another, it was always that same chemistry, but the problem is that he would always disappear in order to "find himself." His finding himself would be for weeks at a time, oft times finding solace at his local bookstore and liquor store. This past time was no different. After weeks of not hearing from the man and writing him off, I get a call from him stating that it had been a minute since we've seen one another and he misses me. So like a jackass, I call to talk to him and we have a good conversation, but I should have known that in our great conversation that it would be a different story seeing him. I saw him the next day- still tall, stately and manly- no less annoying in his smugness and conceitedness. After four hours of some talking, him playing around and me getting beat up in the process, I'd basically had enough of it. I'd grown increasingly frustrated with him because for someone to ask the day before "would you be my wife?" (asking hypothetically, of course) to basically being a jackass, it became crystal clear that this man, as intelligent and as sexy as he is, isn't the person I want to spend my time with- it was too frustrating and draining. Damn near I asked out loud, "WHY IN THE HELL AM I HERE!!" Thankfully, it was time to go. But in my leaving he then says something profound! He says, "You shouldn't want anything I'm not willing to give." And it dawned on me, "You're right!" So I left, not waiting for him to walk me to my car. Driving away and getting on the highway, I basically made the decision not to look back anymore. Looking behind me is bad luck. If two people haven't hooked up so far and have been dealing with one another for a year, with both dating other people in the process and getting their feelings trampled on by those other people, it may not be the brightest thing to try to go backwards. Don't get me wrong, he's got some endearing qualities I would love for my mate to have- incredibly intelligent, funny, witty, sensual- but he taught me a good lesson too! Don't want for someone that doesn't want you back, you will only be frustrated.

Flirting .... a lost art

Last night, I did something I rarely do anymore ... I went out to a bar on a Saturday night. I have to say that going to a bar in your late 20's is not the same as going to the bar in your early 20's. You don't want to stand in line in order to get in. You will have very low tolerance for anybody that can't put together a cohesive sentence. You really do notice who has taken the time to actually get ready to go out and who just decided last minute, and didn't take a shower to prove it, to go out and have a drink. You are bound to run into a man or two that will try to feed you a line or two. The thing about lines is that they have to be good, at least decent, in order to gain the attention. One man said to me last night, "Girl you so fine, you make a man stop breathing!" and then proceeded to show me how he actually stopped breathing. I couldn't help but laugh, and it wasn't with him. And I can honestly say that it might have helped his case if he was actually someone that I would have been attracted to, but he wasn't. Later on the in the same evening, I met another man. He didn't feed me a line, but he did invite me to a party Memorial Day weekend. It was him just being himself that led to us talking all night long. We didn't exchange numbers or anything, but it was nice to talk to someone that could actually hold a conversation. Keeping this in mind, I anticipate having more talks with men like that one. But it was more than just a nice conversation- it was the slight lean in, the "tell me about you" questions and answers, the nice smiles being exchanged. The flirting was mutual, not forced and dry. It was an easy conversation, simple exchange. The sad thing is that a lot of men don't know how to talk anymore- instead they feed you a bullshit line and swear that it works if you smile and look his way. Case and point, a girlfriend of mine ended up roped in a conversation with a man that was all up in her face and because he was in her face, she couldn't get away from him. He hit her with a, "Hey baby" and "Are you a model?" and all she did was look his way, not even looking at him but looking for another girlfriend of ours. Sad, sad, sad. I just have one piece of advice for men that think their lines work on women. Some of them may work, some of them may not- but keeping it simple and no gimmicks will always gets you an open seat at the bar.

My "Type"

What is my "type"? What is anybody's "type"? Who came up with "type" anyway? I think I can honestly say that I have been doomed to have a certain type and it is because of that "type" I'm supposed to have, I haven't met anyone. But here is the thing, I've met plenty of men, but because of this supposed "type" I don't give people a chance. At least I recognize this. BUT I have to strip myself of whatever this "type" of mine I'm supposed to have. My 11 year old niece believes that I should be dating and marrying a doctor, lawyer or a businessman. My mom believes that someone who works in a trade is beneath me. But the truth is that I don't know what my supposed type is or if I am even supposed to have one. I believe there is a difference between having standards and having a type. I definitely believe that this "type" things strips me of whatever chances I'm supposed to have for actually enjoying dating. And although I am on a man sabbatical right now, when I'm ready to date again I want to be able to enjoy it. And I pray that in my enjoying it, that love will surprise me.

Making the most of the downtime

I'm sure most people have heard the phrase "make the most of your downtime" because it is during the downtime that you get to do what it is that you want to do. I'm hoping that maybe this time around I will effectively utilize my downtime to do what it is I want and need to do. For example, I have to make sure that whatever I do, I can keep on moving. I have to keep up with my work for graduate school. Even though it is only one class this semester, I have a ton of writing and reading that needs to be done. I've been effective in using my downtime in getting my body right through working out- hey I think I am doing well working out five days a week and I am trying to add a sixth day. I have pilates twice a week and weight training three times a week, so I'm doing good. I'm also trying to get my mind sharp again. I mean I do have school that will help out in this, but I'm reading other things than just things for school. I'm reading Vogue, Essence, Oprah, etc. I'm working on getting me together during this downtime. I'm even contemplating learning another language or even picking up an instrument that I started playing as a child. The whole reason for this is to get me rewired, realign my brain with good thoughts, strong thoughts. I don't want the rest of my 20's to be about me finding love and being in a relationship that will turn into marriage. That should be the least of my worries. I should focus on getting right. No I take that back, because there s no should in this diva's vocabulary. I am focused on getting right and getting right is going to get me to where I need to be in life.

Cautious vs. Jaded- You decide

I've been rolling this around in my head for a little while and the evidence towards either side is still inconclusive.

According to Merriam Webster, cautious is an adjective of caution, meaning to mean prudently watchful and discreet in the face of danger or risk. Cautious implies the exercise of forethought usually prompted by fear of danger. Jaded on the other hand, means fatigued by overwork, exhausted, or dulled by experience or by surfeit. So when it comes to the matters of the heart, is it being cautious, jaded or both? Because I can honestly say that now I am watchful for not wanting to risk my heart and emotions, yet the stress and fatigue I feel about relationships has numbed me from whatever experiences and feelings I am supposed to feel when in a relationship. In fact I'm probably more so now after this last fiasco than from when my engagement broke up seven years ago. No matter what, I just don't feel like I am able to recover or the recovery time has been put on halt until further notice. My heart/emotions are now on life support, who would have thought.

I guess only time will tell which one I am but as of now, right right now, I am just tired.