Friday, January 18, 2008

Questions

It's something that I have had plenty of as of late. Questions like, "Why did my ex-fiancee contact me?" Or "Why is it that my husband and I can only get along after we have a blow-up, drag-down fight?" Or "Why is it that I am getting more satisfaction out of my job than my marriage?" Surely something is amiss in Carynland. Maybe the things that are happening is the foreshadowing of the things to come. If that is true, then I am in a not so good situation. I'm trying to make it out of my 20's drama free, not bogged down with it. The feelings that I have been feeling as of late, hell, I'm not sure what to think at this point. I've spent the past week and half trying to sort out some different emotions and I've somehow come to some conclusions. I 'm missing something very important out of my marriage and it is dating my husband. We don't talk or laugh with one another any more. All we seem to know how to do is fight. I couldn't even tell you the last time he did something romantic with me. I believe the inevitable has happened ..... I have become his roommate and we haven't been married a year yet. I'm so sad.

Monday, January 14, 2008

Treading Water

I've had alot on my mind as of late. In about two weeks I will take the GRE for the PhD program that I am applying for. I have three days worth of programing happening this week. I'll be giving presentations to Senior officers of the University in the next two weeks. My dog is eating mechanical pencils that my husband neglects to pick up off of the floor. I'm trying to continue to eat healthy and work out like I am supposed to. And of course, I'm trying to keep the spark in my marriage, which right about now, is as hot as a Michigan Monday in January.

I don't know what to do anymore. I'm working hard because I know that I have to in order to keep everything straight for my job as well as my marriage. In every marriage there is a certain amount of sacrifice. But should that sacrifice be a welcoming hug and kiss at the door? Should it be a "Baby you look good today" or "Honey I'll help you cook and clean up the kitchen so that we can talk?" From the looks of it, I've fallen from being my husband's everything to his roommate that he sleeps with. It's frustrating you know. As women, we do everything to ourselves possible to make us attractive to our mates and it just could be all in vain. Do you know how many nights I have gone to bed wearing pretty things only for his back to be turned? What's the point? I might as well wear the pajamas with the footies attached. And why, why, why does every conversation have to revolve around money and the bills? There are other things to talk about than what I'm doing wrong or what else it is that we don't have. I believe I'm a good woman and a good wife that's doing everything she can to make sure that everything is good across the board. So why the coldness? Jill Scott said it best, "You're in arms reach but, baby, where are you?" It's enough to make me want to holler. I guess it's just that fall from grace until we decide to try for children. Maybe then he'll pay attention to me other than asking me what's for dinner.

Thursday, January 03, 2008

Been thinking about .....

my marriage. More and more as of late. There are days when everything is so good and sweet. We enjoy being around one another, we make each other laugh, and when the day is gone, we fall into each other's arms, as content as we want to be. Then there are those other days when I feel like we're disconnected, like what I say doesn't reach his ears and by the time my words do reach him, it's like their meaning has changed. When has the question, "Honey could you clean out the tub for me please?" turn into me nagging, especially when I know who keeps the house clean. I've often asked myself if I have made the right decision to even get married. Oh how many times I have asked myself that question! I almost feel like we would have been doggone good if we waited another year. I wasn't in a rush but in looking back, it was like a damn race to the altar and I wasn't EVEN at the starting line. I was trying to wrap my head around everything, including paying for everything with as much cash as possible, but all I got was hit upside the head. The stress, the hurt, the anger, the frustration- it seems like all of that keeps bubbling to the surface at the most inopportune times. This time around it was at church at the Watchnight Celebration and in front of everybody. If you didn't know we were having problems before, everyone knew it then. Don't get me wrong, I married a good guy who works hard and is going through hoops of fire to make sure that we are fine. I appreciate that more than anything, but sometimes I don't even think he knows me. More times than not, I feel like an accessory or an afterthought and not his mate. Hell at one point, I was thinking that I was his secretary, running errands and making him feel like the man. And here I am hoping that he makes me fee like a woman. But again, all that is an afterthought. He keeps making the same promise of being more attentive to my needs, we'll see about that, but in my heart of hearts, I already know the truth. I guess the only good thing that came out of it is that from this point forward I'll be going home for Thanksgiving and Christmas alone. That works for me!