Been thinking about .... the holidays

Yes the holidays. It's almost like for eleven months everyone is comatose and then as soon as Halloween comes and goes, the world goes into a frenzy about Christmas and they make the nonsense last up through the third day of the New Year. EvenThanksgiving is a pit stop for Christmas shopping. I won't lie, I've lost my enthusiasm for Christmas some years ago, shoot with Thanksgiving too! After my parents got divorced the whole magic about Christmas just got lost on me because the realization was that Santa didn't exist (what a blow that was at 9 years old), the family was low on funds, and it gave people an excuse to throw pity parties for other that didn't have anything. Even with Thanksgiving, the excitement I used to have for it waned as I got older and moved away. I felt like, "Okay I have my family .... I give thanks for all of the things I have and have been able to accomplish .... can we just get through the snow and make it to spring??" In fact this time last year I was probably at my lowest point, contemplating moving back home, dealing with a job loss and reeling from an illness that pretty much over took my body. Then, there wasn't a whole lot for me to give thanks for, nothing really out there for me to shout about. But as with everything, they change and your life goes on with it's twists and turns, some expected and many more very unexepected. This time around, I'm in a relationship and it is the holidays. He's over joyed about the holidays and I am overwhelemed with his joyousness. I'm not saying that I need to have someone as callous as myself about the holidays, but the meaning got sucked out of it as the years went along. Now I am finding myself struggling with the burden of it all; wanting to get gifts for anybody and everybody I can think of, sending Christmas cards, making good food, actually being cheery for once, for real. The only thing that holds me back is gainful employment that brings along the money so that I can make these things happen. And I find myself back at the same stage I was in when I was in undergrad- wanting to do things for people that have impacted me but I can't because I don't have anything to give. And it burns me because isn't that what the holidays are all about? Showing off all of your good fortune and sharing it with those you love, right? Well only have one thing to share and that's my man and trust me, at this point, that's about the best gift I can give my family. The gift of peace of mind that I am not alone and wasting away in Detroit.

The Couple Life .... Blissful (so far)

Being a couple these past four months has been an interesting experience. To date, my boyfriend has been the BEST BOYFRIEND EVER and he deserves an award. I've never had experiences like this before and it has been mind blowing from the beginning. I also must state that contrary to popular belief, my eyes have been open all along and not blinded by one side of girlfriends saying "Girl his ass ain't no good! Don't Trust HIM!!" and family members on the other saying "Well it's about damn time you met somebody compatible! When you getting married?" Of course we have both friends and family members that believe that we should be unhappy because they are unhappy, but I don't have time or patience for that. What we do know is that neither one of us wants to be pushed into something we don't want, but we also know that the eventual reality is marriage. I know some couples get married after two weeks and stay together for years and well other couples get married after years, only to find they really don't like each other, and get divorced after some weeks. We both know that were only doing this thing one time (and for the record, if he wants out, he better die on the altar). We're taking our time because there are other things that have to be handled, like credit repair, upgraded health maintenance and moving to a place that can accommodate my stuff and his stuff. You know you've hit a new level in your relationship where you are pulling each other's credit reports and saying, "I hope you still love me after you see this crap ass score." We've seen each other at our best and our worst. We experienced exhilarating moments and reality checking moments and no one ran away or blamed the other for whatever reason. We just said, "Okay now that's over, let's move on to the next phase." I think we're both aware that changes will occur in our relationship and it will peel back layers on ourselves, reflecting all sorts of things. We have to be adult enough to deal with those changes. I want our relationship to always change, always evolve into something better. I don't want to be in the same place right now, four years later- what kind of changes would occur from that?? So yes, to date, the couple life is blissful so far and I know that will change, be it good or bad. But at least I recognize that it will change.

One month down ... a lifetime to go

Last Saturday Jaime and I celebrated being a couple for one whole month. I know that may not seem like a lot to people nowadays, who celebrates being a couple for a month? But to tell the but being a couple for one whole month and you know that you have been a couple for one whole month is fairly important. It's a step inside couplehood, admitting that "Yes the man that is trying to sing karaoke is my boyfriend" or "Yes this purse belongs to my girlfriend" while in the dressing area of the Limited. It is a major step!

Soon he will meet my mom and brother and uncle. I have to say that having him meet them is daunting because those that have met them, never returned. And when I say never, I mean NEVER! I can say that I am excited and nervous because he wants to meet them and I don't have to put the grip on him to make him do it. Yes he is willing! This is a very large step as far as I am concerned. I am looking forward to their actual meeting.

So now that I've answered the question, can I handle it?

So far, the answer is no. Actually I mean to say "HELLLLL NOOOOO!" But then I can hear my mother in the back of my mind saying, "Don't sabatoge this looking for things that aren't really there." But since answering "yes" to "Will you be my girlfriend?" a new phenomenon has started occuring. Yes, a new phenomemon is happening and it's called scared shitless.

When a woman has dealt with enough bs men, she tends to forget that not all of them are like that. She can go about her business, dealing with guy after guy, always prepared for the level of nonsense that he will bring to the table. In fact, the nonsense doesn't even phase her anymore, that's how much it has occured. And then one day, while minding her business, a man who isn't full of bs chooses her. But what does she notice- the shit on his shoes maybe? Nope, he's clean. So what do you do when there is nothing there? Well you do what you are supposed to do- you deal with it and keep moving!

Old School Relationships ... The beginning

I remember being in the second grade in Mrs. Smith's class. It was Valentine's day and we were allowed to give candy and cards to our friends. I received a card that was special from this boy name Maurice. For a third grader he was tall with hazel eyes. That day he sent me a Valentine's card and in it he asked me if I would be his girlfriend with a box for "yes," "no," and "maybe" on the card. Later on that day, after much serious contemplation that I could muster as a 2nd grader, I answered his question with a yes and I had a boyfriend, it was that simple. We ate lunch together, we played with our friends on the playground and laughed about silly things. Although I didn't end up kissing my first boy until the 5th grade or so, I knew what was relationship was- at least in my 2nd grade mind I did. My how things have changed since the days of those boxes, that question in particular. Nowadays no one asks that important question anymore. It's alot of assuming that happens between couples- never a definite, just assumptions. "So I guess because we sleep together, you think that we're a couple?" "I mean I go out with him, but he thinks we are a couple when we aren't!" The reasons, or rather excuses, could reach far beyond the stratosphere. I think if we came up with enough excuses why not, it might actually hit God in the face- give the Creator a black eye for it all. But all in all, we've either used or have fallen for many of these reasons/excuses. However, I have a strong belief that the planets will again align and one day I'll be driving in my car, speaking to a man that I've been getting to know for the past 2 months. And in our laughing about the things that have occured in our day, the conversation take on a new tone and will go like this:

"Caryn I've been meaning to ask you something."

"Okay, ask away. I'm always the one asking the questions."

"Well there's really no right way to do this."

"Well whatever you have to say, just say it. What can it hurt you?"

"You're right. Well, you know how much I like you and the past couple of months have really solidified it for me that you are the one for me."

"Okay ..."

"It's not everyday a man finds a woman like you- you have it all together and just make me feel good no matter what's going on with me. I like that feeling. You make me happy."

"Okay- you tell me that everyday. I'm just being myself, no more, no less."

"I know, that's what makes you special."

"What did you want to ask me?"

"So ... what I wanted to know is ... man this is hard ... will you be, well I would be honored, if you would be my girlfriend?"

What woman wouldn't want that?

He likes me .... Jaime in C major

To have someone like me as much as I like him has been a hard thing to come by. I believed that there was a time when no one would like me back because they were more concerned about what they could get from me rather than linking up with me emotionally. But here I am, trying to do my thing and work on me and someone chooses me and likes me. I wasn't trying to be chosen, I was minding my business. Lo and behold he saw me and wanted to find out who I was. I wasn't being spectacular or anything, just helping my sistersororfriend get married and being a concerned bridesmaid. I guess yellow attracts people like that. But I didn't expect to walk out of her wedding reception holding his hand. And although we've had two official dates, one visit before I left the state and a slew of daily phonecalls, he's conceded that he's ready to spend his time with me, his life with me. He's willing to do what I want to do, willing to go where I want to go. He's not afraid of it all. He likes that I'm funny and not so funny and that I get emotional at times. He likes that I'm working hard to trust him and putting effort in getting to know who he is as a man, as Jaime. I like that he likes me back. I like that he sends me poetry and tells me that I'm perfect for him, even when he's laughing at me. He says I'm good for him and the only thing he wants to do is to show me how much he wants to make me happy- he declared that he was gonna make me happy. I like that he is Jaime all the time.

Letting him go

The hardest thing for a person to do- regardless of race, gender, color, creed, sexual orientation- is to admit when a relationship has run it's course. We've all, in some way, have encountered this brutal truth being brought to life. It may have happened when you were in the car one day and the thought hit you like a blast of cold air. It may have happened when as you were leaving your significant other and it dawned on you that you deserve better. Or something touched you as you were writing about something completely different and unrelated. In my case, I had it happen last night in a dream where all over the place, in many different instances, "You deserve more than what you've gotten" kept showing up. It was time to heed that call. I'd never, ever expect another man to try and make up for the mistakes of another, he'd be working overtime in that case, but I know better than to make something work when it won't, no matter how much you try to super glue things back together.

So I say to him today, with sincerity, I don't apologize for loving and caring for you, but the truth is that we are not good for one another, despite our knowing one another for years. Part of me thinks that our chance to be happy with one another was doomed from the beginning, but we still worked hard to make things happen. Our lives are in two different directions on so many levels that sometimes even I can't comprehend it. I never felt that you understood or cared about what I did for a living even though I tried very hard to understand what you do so that I could relate and be there for you. I can't be where you are and you can't be where I am, even when the opportunity comes for us to meet in the middle. I don't want to continue to wait on someone who never shows up and I don't want to continue to have to redirect my emotions towards IM when I'd rather be touching you. Your career choice forces you to leave the country at times, be incognito for weeks, even months at a time, and I understand that. But my career choice allowed me to make the decision to get closer to you physically and it seemed like you didn't want any part of that. For me to be the woman I am and working hard to become and I need a support system that is right there with me, pushing me to work harder. I like that I had the chance with you, and we both tried, but I can't deal with it anymore. Emotionally, I am empty when I'm supposed to be overflowing and I don't want to be empty anymore. I came to this conclusion months ago, but I held on to the simple faith that I'd see you and what I was feeling was wrong. In true form, you never showed up- and that spoke to me on so many levels. I can't deny this feeling inside me that just grows and grows with each passing day. So with this, I say, thank you for the life lesson and the lesson learned. Goodbye.

An upgrade in thinking

The past few days of my life since I have come back to my hometown for an internship have been mind-boggling, at best. Not that things have really changed sufficiently since I left for college and not looked back in 1996, but how many things often stay the same, suffering from sameness, indifference and settling. A day or so ago, I sent out an email to my diva-in-training counterparts about going from good to great. I give all credit for the "good to great" ideology from Dr. Beth Triplett and a book she has gotten me reading called "Good to Great" by Jim Collins. I put the challenge out to my sisterfriends to push past only being good and not let current situations and circumstances determine their greatness. I think about countless people who didn't let their current circumstances determine what they did next. Man how a situation can stagnate a person's growth!! But it only stagnates if a person lets it happen. Even in my own situation, with money being tight, had I NOT taken the internship, I wouldn't have had this mental upgrade in thinking, and I would not have had the opportunity to learn about myself and my own drive. Besides, who got anywhere from just being a good boy or a good girl? Who the hell wants only to be a good doctor or a good writer or a good cook? In our world, we put more emphasis on being good than asking one, "What will it take for you, this job, this letter, this lasagna, this moment, etc., to become great?" Yes we can attribute many things to God, the Creator, Synergy and what ever other name you can call your Diety. Some of us attribute greatness to luck. I personally believe it is attributed to will, choice and work- you have your will to make that choice to work for it. We were all given the same amount of everything- brains, talent and will. It's what we choose to do with them that gets all of us from good to great to sustained greatness.

Slowing down a fast moving car

Relationships in alot of ways are like cars and their owners. Most of the time when an owner buys a car, they look to having that car for a long time. Some owners fall in love with their cars right away. Others have to work on falling in love with it. You have those that are always upgrading to the next new and shiny model, never really able to commit, and others that won't let go of the hooptie that got them through college for all of the memories they've had with it, although to keep it is costing them much more than it is worth. But all of them have one thing in common- plenty of work is involved in keeping a car running right and the same can be said for a relationship. Relationships, like cars, take alot of care and maintenance and if you aren't careful and pay attention to what is going on in the relationship, you can wear it out to the point where it is irrepairable. Just as much as you try to accelerate your car when it is unnecessary, if you go too fast in a relationship without knowing how to handle it, it is likely you will crash and hurt yourself and the passenger riding along with you. If you go too slow, then you run the risk of not being able to enjoy the drive. So somewhere there has to be a balance of sorts. But when all else fails and you feel like the car that's being driven or you're driving is moving too fast, you can put the brakes down or ask the driver to slow the hell up, that it isn't a race to couplehood. But you have to be ready for all of the responsibility that all of that entails or else it will be a car going nowhere.

Looking for the disappointments when (so far) there are none

Not that I am looking for disappointment, but when things are just too perfect, the situation is just too right, you're waiting around for it. The balance with the world is off right now because he's being nice. I'm at a point in my life where if I date someone, it's not dating just to date anymore, there is a bigger picture to consider. I already know how the man feels about me, he said so and he keeps saying so over and over again. Tonight when our movie ended, he said and I quote, "I always enjoy myself when I'm with you. This has been a very good 15 days getting to know you." I was literally speechless because I've never dealt with anyone that remembers dates and evenmoreso, counts the damn days since you met! WHO DOES THAT? I digress. I don't want to mess this up but I feel like I'm being pushed into a corner, like if you don't make it with this man, then there is no hope for you. All relationships are supposed to take time right? So why do I feel like if I don't make up my mind about this one, then there is an even lesser of a chance to have the same thing happen twice? I know what I am looking for ... I'm looking and waiting for the mistake to be made, because at least I'll know he's human.

The Power of Other People's Marriages

For the past few years, I have been witness to and a part of many weddings, with two of them happening back to back in the past three weeks. It seems that everyone around me is getting more serious about their relationships with their mates, getting engaged, getting married and making key decisions that will forever affect their married lives. It's been interesting for me to watch my own evolution about how I feel about marriage. I remember being a teenager and thinking that marriage was the way to having everything you ever wanted. The problem with that is that your mate has to want roughly the same things and more importantly work hard to achieve those things. And I've been witness to and been a part of what happens when two people no longer want to work together. I also remember the time when I felt marriage was nothing but a crock- two people living monogamously for the rest of their lives? A happy and productive marriage? That can't be possible with shows like "Cheaters" showing, what else, cheaters. But as of late, with my friends and relatives that have taken their time to get to know their mates, let life rough them up a bit to see if the relationship is worth fighting for and waited until the time was right to get married, they have renewed my faith in the man being the man and the woman being the woman and both sides coming together with a common goal in mind. All of them have shown me what happens when two people want the same things and are willing to work for them. And who wouldn't want that? There are some that have truly been scarred up by relationships and vow not to marry again. They are well within their rights to never marry again if they don't want to. But I sincerely feel that if a man or a woman finds the one that wants to share their life with them, they won't let a little thing like life tear them apart. In fact, it's the bumps and bruises that make the relationships as unique as they are. I'm happy knowing that with all of the married couples in my life, they give me hope for the future about marriage. Not that I am trying to get married today or any time soon, but it is nice to be able to see firsthand what happens when everyone is on the same page.

Fear of Being Liked and Loved the Right Way

I've been hurt by men far more than I care to admit. Most times I'm able to suck it up and do whatever it takes for me to forget about the person. I throw things away, delete messages and phone numbers and try not to mention that person's name if I ever have to refer back to him. There have been days when I've cried and moped or have been so mad that the only way to get out the aggression is through kickboxing or a workout so strenuous that the only thing I can think about is passing out from exhaustion. But what do you do when someone says, "I like you?" or "You're perfect for me" or "When you come back, I'll be right here?" Now I can sure take that as lip service. Lord knows that I have heard these things time and time again. But this time someone means that and I am running and pushing away because I just know that he is telling a lie just like the rest of them did, only making it sound extremely good. There's something about him, however, that says that he isn't lying. It's so surreal that I don't believe this person is real. Sure I talk to him, we hang with one another, but I'm waiting with baited breath for the other shoe to drop because I just know that it will drop. I've always asked God to send me someone that will feel the same way I feel about him, but was I too hasty in asking for this? Am I even ready for it? With the others I thought I was, and we all know how that turned out. But things are different this time around. The man is different this time around. So am I legitimizing my fear of being liked and loved the right way? Or am I being chicken shit about it because I know that I need something like this in my life? Or could it be that I'd rather he leave now before the both of us end up hurt? What a way to deal with this situation!!

Feeling guilty for one date with Jaime

This weekend I went on a date with Jaime. We had a pretty good time with one another. We both left our cellphones at my house. He and I went to the theater and saw "Mr. and Mrs. Smith." We talked and laughed and shared popcorn and sour patch kids. I was actually at home before 1am. It was a very nice and easy first date. We went ahead and made plans to go go-kart racing the following Sunday.

The following day, I called my best friend Courtney and her husband David and told them about my date with Jaime and basically got reemed for going out on a date. Actually I was reemed by David, Courtney just sat and agreed. "You have an emotional deficit and now someone gets to fill it without you having to put anything into it," said David the psychiatrist. "You've been hurt so much by men that not only do the people you hook up with are long distance and emotionally distant, but you put all of your energy into them and you don't get replenished by them." And just like that, I felt guilty. It was almost immediate. Just a movie- that's all it was, but when is a movie more than a movie? Apparently when the guy you like is currently liking you a little more than you are liking him at the moment.

Don't get me wrong, I sincerely like Jaime, but I also know that after what happened with Jon, I'm nowhere close to feeling like I want or need to be in a relationship with someone right now. Now maybe I'm using work and/or school as an excuse, but I need to get myself together first before trying to include someone in my life.

Been thinking about .... Lessons learned from past hurts

Not all hurts that occur happen in a romantic relationship, although those are the ones we tend to remember, linger on and dissect until we can't anymore. In speaking with a male friend of mine today, he said something to me that I've taken to heart. Just as much as the "love life" talk with my best friend's pastor made me look at love in a different way, my friend's comment on why things end in relationships now has me looking at the end of romantic relationships in a different way. He's said to me, "Sometimes it's best to not know all of the details in when a relationship ends. Let the end be the end and move on. Sure you will be hurt and you will deal with that hurt, but you will move on and be better because of it." As much as I know that this is the truth, as a woman I can't help but wonder what the real reasons are why men leave me. But then again, maybe my friend is right, it's best I don't know because I won't be able to carry that into the next situation. What I can say is that I refuse to travel backwards. I've already dealt with it. But if it means that going backwards will allow me to have the reaction I deserve to have, then it is necessary so that I can move forward. All I do know is something has to give.

Another wedding, a new lease on dating

Yesterday marked the end of the wedding season for me. My sororsisterfriend got married to her man of five years and it was a wonderful ceremony. As much as my feet hurt during the entire ceremony, it was filled with a lot of surprises. Surprise number one was the man I was walking with at the rehearsal was not the same man I ended up walking with in the ceremony. His name is Noah. He was quite handsome and charming. He even managed to tell me that I had a pretty smile as he was walking me down the rest of the way of the aisle. And all the while, I was focusing on the happiness on my friends, I later found out I was being checked out by someone else- his name? That's surprise number 2, Jaime. Jaime is a friend of the maid of honor and we all got along swimmingly. He and I got quite a bit in common and he's really a nice man. The maid of honor was pretty much like, "I'm gonna set the two of you up!" And I mean we hit it off- we danced, laughed, talked. But I also did the same thing with Noah. Shoot I gave Noah some of my cake! And Noah currently lives where I want to live- Houston, Texas. I'm going to keep in contact with him as well. And with the book I've been reading, it pretty much says that I need to be open to just chilling out with someone, just learning about them, taking it day by day. So that's what I am going to do- I'm just going to be open. We never know ....

A new twist to an age old question ...

Over the weekend, my best friend got married. It was a beautiful ceremony and I was choked up all the way through the ceremony for both her and her new husband. It was affirming to see two people who truly care for one another's well being and sincerely love one another to profess before God and man their commitment to one another to love, honor and obey each other. However, it is what happened the day before the wedding that struck me and is still rattling in my brain as a sign from God not to give up hope for true love ... The day before the wedding, I met the priest that married my best friend off to her new husband. He and I were talking in the sanctuary about the ceremony when he asked me, "So Caryn, when is your big day?" I let him know that there was no big day coming for me anytime soon. He told me I was gorgeous and that just can't be right. Then he took me aback. "How is your love life?" Surely he wasn't asking me about my private life! I answered quite plainly, "It sucks." He then said, "It can't suck because I know there is someone that loves you." Again I answered plainly, "No it pretty much sucks." "Do you love your mother?" "Of course I do!" "What about your dad?" "Yeah." "Brothers/sisters?" "Yeah I love my brother." "See so your love life doesn't 'suck' as you put it. You got a lot of love going on. And if you have that much love happening, then your big day, just like Courtney and David's day is coming when it is time for him to come." And with this notion, I probably smiled one of the biggest smiles possible because I have been keeping the notion of love wrapped up in this little bitty box called "romantic" love when I CLEARLY know that it is much bigger than that. I know that right at that moment, the Lord had the priest redirect my path back towards the right direction. Too often, we see love as only romantic love and nothing past that. My truth is that I do love a lot of people and I love them hard. My issue falls with not feeling like those same people love me just as hard, when I know that some of them do and some of them do not and that is okay, it happens. As long as I love the way I am supposed to love then I do not have to wonder if whether or not I am loved. Just as long as I am. That is all that really matters.

Learning my Lessons

It has been said that those that don't learn from their mistakes are often doomed to repeat them. Oh how tried and true this statement is! As women, we often don't listen to our gut instincts when it comes to love and relationships because we are convinced that we can fix any situation. Case and point- this weekend I got a call from a man I had serious chemistry with last year. When he and I would see one another, it was always that same chemistry, but the problem is that he would always disappear in order to "find himself." His finding himself would be for weeks at a time, oft times finding solace at his local bookstore and liquor store. This past time was no different. After weeks of not hearing from the man and writing him off, I get a call from him stating that it had been a minute since we've seen one another and he misses me. So like a jackass, I call to talk to him and we have a good conversation, but I should have known that in our great conversation that it would be a different story seeing him. I saw him the next day- still tall, stately and manly- no less annoying in his smugness and conceitedness. After four hours of some talking, him playing around and me getting beat up in the process, I'd basically had enough of it. I'd grown increasingly frustrated with him because for someone to ask the day before "would you be my wife?" (asking hypothetically, of course) to basically being a jackass, it became crystal clear that this man, as intelligent and as sexy as he is, isn't the person I want to spend my time with- it was too frustrating and draining. Damn near I asked out loud, "WHY IN THE HELL AM I HERE!!" Thankfully, it was time to go. But in my leaving he then says something profound! He says, "You shouldn't want anything I'm not willing to give." And it dawned on me, "You're right!" So I left, not waiting for him to walk me to my car. Driving away and getting on the highway, I basically made the decision not to look back anymore. Looking behind me is bad luck. If two people haven't hooked up so far and have been dealing with one another for a year, with both dating other people in the process and getting their feelings trampled on by those other people, it may not be the brightest thing to try to go backwards. Don't get me wrong, he's got some endearing qualities I would love for my mate to have- incredibly intelligent, funny, witty, sensual- but he taught me a good lesson too! Don't want for someone that doesn't want you back, you will only be frustrated.

Flirting .... a lost art

Last night, I did something I rarely do anymore ... I went out to a bar on a Saturday night. I have to say that going to a bar in your late 20's is not the same as going to the bar in your early 20's. You don't want to stand in line in order to get in. You will have very low tolerance for anybody that can't put together a cohesive sentence. You really do notice who has taken the time to actually get ready to go out and who just decided last minute, and didn't take a shower to prove it, to go out and have a drink. You are bound to run into a man or two that will try to feed you a line or two. The thing about lines is that they have to be good, at least decent, in order to gain the attention. One man said to me last night, "Girl you so fine, you make a man stop breathing!" and then proceeded to show me how he actually stopped breathing. I couldn't help but laugh, and it wasn't with him. And I can honestly say that it might have helped his case if he was actually someone that I would have been attracted to, but he wasn't. Later on the in the same evening, I met another man. He didn't feed me a line, but he did invite me to a party Memorial Day weekend. It was him just being himself that led to us talking all night long. We didn't exchange numbers or anything, but it was nice to talk to someone that could actually hold a conversation. Keeping this in mind, I anticipate having more talks with men like that one. But it was more than just a nice conversation- it was the slight lean in, the "tell me about you" questions and answers, the nice smiles being exchanged. The flirting was mutual, not forced and dry. It was an easy conversation, simple exchange. The sad thing is that a lot of men don't know how to talk anymore- instead they feed you a bullshit line and swear that it works if you smile and look his way. Case and point, a girlfriend of mine ended up roped in a conversation with a man that was all up in her face and because he was in her face, she couldn't get away from him. He hit her with a, "Hey baby" and "Are you a model?" and all she did was look his way, not even looking at him but looking for another girlfriend of ours. Sad, sad, sad. I just have one piece of advice for men that think their lines work on women. Some of them may work, some of them may not- but keeping it simple and no gimmicks will always gets you an open seat at the bar.

My "Type"

What is my "type"? What is anybody's "type"? Who came up with "type" anyway? I think I can honestly say that I have been doomed to have a certain type and it is because of that "type" I'm supposed to have, I haven't met anyone. But here is the thing, I've met plenty of men, but because of this supposed "type" I don't give people a chance. At least I recognize this. BUT I have to strip myself of whatever this "type" of mine I'm supposed to have. My 11 year old niece believes that I should be dating and marrying a doctor, lawyer or a businessman. My mom believes that someone who works in a trade is beneath me. But the truth is that I don't know what my supposed type is or if I am even supposed to have one. I believe there is a difference between having standards and having a type. I definitely believe that this "type" things strips me of whatever chances I'm supposed to have for actually enjoying dating. And although I am on a man sabbatical right now, when I'm ready to date again I want to be able to enjoy it. And I pray that in my enjoying it, that love will surprise me.

Making the most of the downtime

I'm sure most people have heard the phrase "make the most of your downtime" because it is during the downtime that you get to do what it is that you want to do. I'm hoping that maybe this time around I will effectively utilize my downtime to do what it is I want and need to do. For example, I have to make sure that whatever I do, I can keep on moving. I have to keep up with my work for graduate school. Even though it is only one class this semester, I have a ton of writing and reading that needs to be done. I've been effective in using my downtime in getting my body right through working out- hey I think I am doing well working out five days a week and I am trying to add a sixth day. I have pilates twice a week and weight training three times a week, so I'm doing good. I'm also trying to get my mind sharp again. I mean I do have school that will help out in this, but I'm reading other things than just things for school. I'm reading Vogue, Essence, Oprah, etc. I'm working on getting me together during this downtime. I'm even contemplating learning another language or even picking up an instrument that I started playing as a child. The whole reason for this is to get me rewired, realign my brain with good thoughts, strong thoughts. I don't want the rest of my 20's to be about me finding love and being in a relationship that will turn into marriage. That should be the least of my worries. I should focus on getting right. No I take that back, because there s no should in this diva's vocabulary. I am focused on getting right and getting right is going to get me to where I need to be in life.

Cautious vs. Jaded- You decide

I've been rolling this around in my head for a little while and the evidence towards either side is still inconclusive.

According to Merriam Webster, cautious is an adjective of caution, meaning to mean prudently watchful and discreet in the face of danger or risk. Cautious implies the exercise of forethought usually prompted by fear of danger. Jaded on the other hand, means fatigued by overwork, exhausted, or dulled by experience or by surfeit. So when it comes to the matters of the heart, is it being cautious, jaded or both? Because I can honestly say that now I am watchful for not wanting to risk my heart and emotions, yet the stress and fatigue I feel about relationships has numbed me from whatever experiences and feelings I am supposed to feel when in a relationship. In fact I'm probably more so now after this last fiasco than from when my engagement broke up seven years ago. No matter what, I just don't feel like I am able to recover or the recovery time has been put on halt until further notice. My heart/emotions are now on life support, who would have thought.

I guess only time will tell which one I am but as of now, right right now, I am just tired.

Starting over again

Six months after hoping and praying for a safe return for my military boyfriend, in which he did return back to the states safe, he left me. It's been mind numbing. I love him, but I also understand that maybe the best thing that could have happened was that he never did show up. Part of me knew that would happen. I can honestly say that it surely doesn't feel like it- it hurts. But as I have been hearing from all my friends, "Let it burn and move forward." At least now I know what I am really dealing with in this man. In talking to my sister-soror last night, she had to tell me that it wasn't me, it was him. She said that the one thing she has noticed about the guys I've been dealing with since she's known me is that all the men have had hangups. She said that I have a standard, something I am supposed to have. But when it comes to the men, in the process of getting to know me, they figure out that they don't "measure up", so they leave, many of them never to return. I can honestly say that they don't ever return but when they do come back, I'm so far gone about the situation that I can't see what it was I was so enamored over. Truth is though, I had some doubts about Mr. Military. Our careers are as different as they can be and on top of that, he is still trying to figure out his feelings about the mother of his son. Although that child is now 5 years old, those two are still fighting and arguing about things that should have long since become the dance of parenthood. I think she still loves him and wants to be with him still (and let's add in the fact that now she is getting a divorce from her current husband). So I am now officially back on the market. Between this and a new workout regime, I'll be busy trying to get me together.

Been thinking about ....

you guessed it- relationships. I'm more confused by them now than I have ever been. "It's not about you, it's me." You know, if nothing else, honesty is what would keep a relationship fair. At least if therwere any fears or misgivings, then at least you can tell it and feel better. But what if you never get that chance? My soror said to me that today at lunch that love can't be regulated. I believe that, I know this to have some truth to it. But when that honesty and that love isn't being shown or reciprocated, I tend to start asking the hard questions, in particular, "Am I wasting my time?" So what I want to know is am I wasting my time ...

He is ....

The most wonderful thing has happened to me and I am still reeling from its effects. My boyfriend that has been overseas fighting the war has returned to the States. I cannot be any happier than to know that when at first it was too many miles to count, it is now only 1500. He's so close to me that I can almost see his face, touch his skin and smell his cologne. I already know my senses will go into overload when I steps into my space. I can't wait for the both of us to just lose control. That's what I want, for us to lose control with one another.

Making my way towards divahood

Supermodel Iman .... Actress Salma Hayek .... Singer Patti LaBelle .... Singer/Actress Jennifer Lopez .... Actress Sanaa Lathan .... Actress Uma Thurman .... Rocker Tina Turner .... Anchorwoman Supreme Katie Couric .... Media Mogel Oprah Winfrey .... Writer Jackie Collins .... Writer Nikki Giovanni .... Senator and the President's decisionmaker for 8 years Hillary Rodham Clinton .....Congresswoman Maxine Waters ..... Singer Alicia Keys ... The cast of Sex and the City (all of them style mavens) - all of these women have one thing in common .... They Are Divas! Divas come in all shapes, sizes, colors, nationalities, backgrounds. Divahood is as diverse as the United Nations. But haven't you ever wondered how they have even became divas? Well each and everyone of these women have fascinating stories to tell about their lives that have stretched and shaped them to become divas, being a diva doesn't happen over night nor does it happen to only the rich and famous. It happens over time, dealing with life as it comes along. Let me share some examples ....

Did you know that at the height of her career in the 80's Supermodel Iman was in a car accident that broke some of her facial bones? Girlfriend looks and feels better now because of that accident. How many of us remember Jennifer Lopez as a Fly Girl for "In Living Color?" Even though she'd done small roles on television, she didn't break out in Hollywood until her non-speaking and rather very small, but influential, role in "Mi Familia" and the ever popular Vh-1 movie "Selena." Alicia Keys speaks candidly and often about how she worked for 7 years about becoming an overnight sensation in music. I bet you didn't know she had acne that would make a pizza say "Damn! She is blotchy!" Who can forget Oprah Winfrey's climb to the top? Through her start in life in Mississippi as a girl,the battle with her weight, the whole mad cow/Texas Cow Rancher case, and her shooting straight to the top of the Billionaire's List in Forbes, her life is truly for television movie. Hell she's now in the business of making other people's dreams come true! I'm telling you, the stories go on and on and on.

Being a diva is more than about style. It is about the grace, moxie and charisma you carry with you when dealing with life and the things it throws out at you. It's about not taking "no " for an answer. It's about making your life's dreams and ambitions becoming a tangible reality, not just talking about it and not doing anything about it. Divas don't talk in the "shoulda," "coulda" and "woulda." Divas are always present and represent, looking at the end goal as a reality and making it happen.

So what does this have to do with me? I'm rallying up all of my divas in training so that we can join together and become divas. Divas don't become divas alone! We employ our mothers, grandmothers, sisters, cousins, and friends in the journey. We chat with our girls that are also in divahood training. We seek mentorship from those that have already made their way there and are reaching back for us. We get up off of our asses, shake off the haters, reach into our closets and start making room for the Oscar, Grammy and Emmy gowns. We clean our Chrysler Sebrings to shine like the Mercedes Benz we want to own. We chit chat with our girlfriends and family in a Trans-Atlantic way. Although we own Nine West shoes, we walk in them like they are Manolo Blahniks. And we wear our Target/Dillard's/ Macy's/Forever 21/ etc. clothing like it is our own couture line with our names on it! I mean! Who in the hell said that we can't have what want when we want it? So to all of my divas in training, let's get out of the remedial diva classes and enroll in Diva 101: the making of a diva ..

Romance and Relationships

It has been six years since the last time I was in a relationship with a man. Don't get me wrong, I have had plenty of suitors, but none of them had made me have "the feeling." You know "the feeling"- the one where you're just stupid- you can't think straight, everything reminds you of the person. Nope instead, I've had plenty of sex and a lot of heartache. I mean really, sex can only take a person so far, there needs to be something else there to sustain the heart, the body and the spirit. So my question is .... can I get some romance? Some talking on the phone all night until the sun rises, long walks to nowhere, falling asleep together in the same bed cuddled up, blockbuster movie night, too many martinis to name the 50 states, "Let me serve you" romance. I've often wondered how it would happen ... in a library trying to write a paper and he happens to walk behind me just as I am getting up; sitting next to one another in a movie theater and we happen to like talking back to the screen; or we meet because of our connections to people that, through a small glimmer of a chance, otherwise wouldn't know one another. Romance really can happen on so many levels. But it can't be one-sided romance, both sides have to be willing to be romanced. Both sides have to be honest about it- without honesty, there is no romance, it can't thrive under false pretenses. Yes I am in a relationship with a man I have known since I was 12 years old, but we are still lacking the romance. I pray that romance finds it's way into my life and my relationship with my man.

The truth about the late 20's (part I)

Truth is .... right now I'd give just about anything to be in high school again.

Truth is .... right about now, undergrad doesn't look so bad.

Truth is .... if I knew then what I know now, a whole lot of things could have been avoided.

Truth is .... I'm living life with one foot in the sea and the other on the shore.

The barenaked truth is that if I could go back and relive life, a whole lot of things about my life would be different. If you've ever seen the movie "The Butterfly Effect," you might be scared to change even the smallest thing about your life. I mean had I not cut my hair as a child, I could very well have become the next Tyra Banks. Or had I attend undergraduate school with my best friend at St. Louis University, the chance is great I could have become a millionaire by now. At the same time, had I not made certain decisions in my life that lead me to writing this blog right now, I wouldn't be writing this blog. And who knows, my writing this blog right now could lead me down a whole other path later on in life. The purpose of all of this is to keep living to find out, right? So my question is, really, what will it take for me to realize my own potential, my own self worth? I look at Oprah Winfrey- surely life for her has been no crystal stair, she's dealt with quite a bit in her life for her to be where she is in life right now. But I can't imagine her not being "Oprah." Everyone in every phase of life has a certain purpose, a calling. Some are extremely fortunate to land right on it and follow it through until it's very end. Others happen to trip over it and continue to trip through it, surprised and every twist and turn. Even more others, search and search and search to find only to find out that that's not it. I often wonder what category I fall in. I have been undeservedly blessed beyond measure and I still have a ways to go before coming to my own apex in life- I just pray that I am ready for the responsibility of all that it encompasses.

Snow is the enemy

For those of you that live in cold weather states with this horrible precipitation feel where I am coming from. And those of you that think it's beautiful, go shovel the stuff for an hour and a half and then tell me how beautiful it still is to you. I promise you your mind will change. To my people in Alaska, I truly don't know how you do it, but I can promise you I won't be there to find out.

I don't know about the rest of you but snow ruins my day. It makes the roads messy, which has people forgetting how to drive in the snow, which, in turn, puts me in the ditch. Although the speed limit says 70 and there are 3-6 inches of the crap on the ground, and the road has YET to be cleared, you might want to consider slowing the hell down!! I mean damn, do 35-40 mph just off good principle so that the big rig truck doesn't jack knife off into a ditch and block traffic even more. There's never a reason for a fast trip to Walgreen's that's down the street taking an hour. I say this from the bottom of my heart, I gotta move to a place where the only seasons they know are Spring, Summer and Fall- damn Winter and especially DAMN THE SNOW!

The "S" word

I have two grandmothers. Both of them were born in the 20's, married young, had families, lived streets away from one another on the south side of East St. Louis and both had their husbands die within days of one another when I was only three years. Neither woman has remarried and continues to live the single life to this day. My grandma Doll only has my brother and I has her two grandchildren. My grandma Evelyn has over 20 grandchildren and the great grandchildren have been coming, sometimes two or three at a time. And although their lives parallel in many respects, the differ in one important aspect- the "s" word.

For one grandmother, Grandma Doll, the "s" word is "single." She's said to me often and early for me to live out my single days as it they were the last single days I'm going to have. She'd say, "Trust me Caryn. Once you marry, that is the end of you. It stops being about you and becomes about your husband. So please, go out and do all of the silly things you want to do. Travel the world, build a house, move a few times. And when you are good and ready, then marry." Man how I love my grandma!

For the other grandmother, Grandma Evelyn, the "s" word is "settle." Yes "settle" as in "Settle down, you're not getting any younger. And when are you gonna give your momma a grandchild and me a great grandbaby?!?" She never fails to mention it whenever I travel there to visit. She also has said to me often and early, "You need to settle down and get some roots instead of traveling everywhere and being a part of everything. Why can't you find someone and get married and have children? No man wants a woman that can't sit down. We may have to buy you a husband. No man can handle you!" She has plenty of grandchildren to choose from to bother about getting married but her sights have focused on me. I can also say that in the past four years there have been four weddings and six or seven great-grandchildren born, including two sets of twins. ARGH!!! THE PRESSURE!!! Don't get me wrong, I love my grandma just as much as other one, but I like the single philosophy much more than the settle down philosophy, at least now I do. Let me explain ...

As a young girl, I have fantasized about one day being married and having children. So you can imagine my disappointment when I saw firsthand how a marriage that is supposed to be for forever can end. Growing up I saw, more often than not, young girls like myself, and sometimes younger, pregnant. I promised my family that I would do things the "right" way- go to college, graduate, get married, buy a house, have babies. So far I have done that to a point- I attended and graduated from one of the top institutions in the country and I was engaged right before my senior year in college. But in the engagement, I was one unhappy and uncertain woman. There were things I wanted to do that my fiancee didn't want me to do. It was painfully obvious that our lives were in two different directions with no sign of either side conceding to the other, but I was determined to get married- after all it was a part of the order of things. When it ended there was a great relief for me and I moved to a new city. Grandma Doll was happy I was being adventurous with life, Grandma Evelyn was disappointed that I wasn't getting married. Did I fail to mention that all of this was happening before I turned 22?

Once that happened, the "S" (settle) word along with the "M"(marriage) and "B" (baby) words became like cuss words to be. Every time somebody mentioned it, I would cover my ears and start singing. I didn't get it! Didn't people want me to find love first before marriage and children? I mean really where is the love in the equation? Technically you don't need love to have either, but still, if I'm gonna vow my fidelity, I have got to love you and be in love with you, not just like you. Personally I want to love and be in love with that man enough to want to marry him and have his children, not because some clock is ticking away at the possibilities and not because my grandma feels it's time for me to get married and have babies.

Now I am in a relationship with a great man and there are times when we talk around it. We've discussed the possibilities of living together before we even tried to talk about marriage. We mention marriage in casual ways but never to the point of, "Let's talk dates and colors and the do's and don't of our wedding." There's always this pressure of "When will he ask?" from friends and family alike. The pressure for engagement came around the holidays. Everyone but me was expecting a proposal; hell I knew better! They were all disappointed that it didn't happen. Instead, I won a bet and got a webcam out of the deal. Even with his return to the states in less than three weeks, people again are looking for a ring. I think this time people don't want to make a bet because they know they will lose. It can be safe to assume that if he asked me, I would be more than surprised, but don't expect a date any time soon. If anything, I'll wait until some of my girlfriends' children get old enough to play a role in the wedding.

The emails, the laughs, the men

I have a group of girlfriends and we all belong to the same bookclub. There are days when we have all out gab sessions on e-mail. It will usually start with one sending something funny, inspiring or ghastly by our measures, and then we'll talk about the topic until it has spun into something beyond our own recognition. We have our fascination with all things ghetto and ghetto fabulous, celebreality and just plain old strange. It's our way of passing the time when we all should be working or studying or writing (or in my case, all three). It is one of our many ways that we connect with one another until we meet again for our next book club meeting. The one thing we all have in common is our appreciation for man, especially the physical appearance of man. (What? Like women can look at a man like the piece of chocolate candy he is! C'mon!!)

The last big email chain was around a few pictures of Terrell Owens. For those that don't have a clue to who TO is, he's a member of the Philadelphia Eagles and was Nicolette Sheridan's racy partner in crime for a "Desperate Housewives" promotional commercial. I must first say that he is seriously a good looking man. If there was a word that could describe his physical being, that word would have to be ..... DAMN! You can't buy a body like that in the stores through powerbars, diet pills and the like. That's a body that has been put through years and years of hard training and strict diet regimes- what we think is hard work on a treadmill or an elliptical and eating salad every day is nothing compared to his basic conditioning. And even though I too drooled at the sight of his oiled up chest, arms and abs, I got to thinking- men can let themselves go and still get beautiful women, but women have to look like they stepped out of a fashion magazine every damn day in order to get a man to look in her direction. Not even at her, just in her vicinity. Where is the justice in that?

For all we know, Terrell Owens could be a bumbling idiot, but who cares? He's got a body that won't quit! And he isn't the only one walking around God's green and blue earth looking like that. There are countless others, famous, infamous and yet to be known, that can make women climb walls by just looking at them. I've seen it happen and I've been one myself. But the truth is we all know that one day the Terrell Owens of the world may not look like that anymore, there are so many examples of it happening, like an epidemic. Take Marlon Brando for instance, you can't deny that he was very good looking in his "Guys and Dolls" days. But before he died, he was a fat, nasty, balding man with a serious case of the Dunlap disease. More recently, D'Angelo is another example of a Greek god's body gone bad. Mr. "How Does it Feel" now looks like a reincarnation of Ol' Dirty Bastard whose been eating extremely well. Both men in their prime could have any woman they wanted. But now that one is dead and the other possibly on house arrest, the appeal and the body, has dissipated among food, marijuana and good tequila. God rest Marlon Brando's soul, but in the case of D'Angelo there is probably a woman out there that thinks, "No matter! I can get him right again! A good diet, some exercise and he will be as good as new." WRONG! A project of that size is a lesson in patience, understanding and time- it's too much to attempt that kind of undertaking alone, girlfriend. You need a team to work that out! But first though, let him eat the cake. When he is ready either or tired of looking at his own fat ass, he'll shape it up or move on. But in the mean time .... I salute the hard bodies of the world. You're the reason my girlfriends and I can't work, write or study ... Keep up the damn good work!

Love and Hair

For many of us, our hair is our crowning glory on some days and a nightmare on other days. However, when I look at my hair, I can honestly say that it can chronicle the good and bad romantic relationships I have had in my life.

When a romance is going very well, my hair is also looking it's absolute best. It's healthy and shiny, I don't have flyaways and it is full of body and bounce. You can believe that I am having fantastic hairdays when the romance is blossoming. It does anything I ask it to- if I want it to lay down, it does; if I want it to swoop to the side and stay, you better believe it does. You can see the glow, you can't miss it! But as with most relationships, when things start to take a nosedive, everything else goes down with it, hair included. All of a sudden, my hair can't do anything right, no matter how much gel, mousse, hairspray, etc. that I use. Some days, it's a miracle to get a comb through it. Even my hairstylist can tell when the relationship has gone sour by working on my hair. He can pull it taut to straighten it with a flat iron, but it will still curl up in defiance. It's then that he starts asking the hard questions of "What happened? and "What are you gonna do?" When I am trying to get a relationship to work, my hair also makes me work hard to make it look right. There have been times when I've had relationships that last as long as a "phony pony" only for it to matt up and give me more problems than the $9.99 I bought it for. And then there are those relationships that have made me take a drastic turn by cutting it all off, only to regret the chop, to get a weave to get back the length I once had. Then I get tired of trying to get it to grow, so I take the weave out and chop it off, only to put it right back in. It's a never ending cycle, at least where hair is concerned.

These days, my hair has been beautiful and it's not just because I am in love again, it's because I am in love with me. Sure, there have been days when things have been so topsy turvy that even my hair didn't know what to do. But lately, it does everything I ask of it and more. So I guess if you saw me, you can tell that I am happily in love by looking at my hair.

PMS Is Real ... An account of a mad woman

Mothers who have daughters often try as much as they can to prepare us for life. Our mothers teach us how to put on make up. They can teach us how to cook and clean. Some mothers even teach us how to manage and deal with boyfriends who turn into fiancees and husbands. However most of them seem to conveniently forget to tell us how to deal with a little thing called PMS.

Now many of us who probably had that health class or that gym class that taught us about female health usually gave us the quick and dirty version of PMS- the cramping, the nausea, the bloating. Why don't they ever prepare us for the unbelievable mood swings, the uncontrollable crying and nothing fitting right ever? You know it's bad when your love for shoes takes a nosedive, because it's like if my clothes don't fit, what in the hell makes me think I'll look good in a pair of shoes?! For that week, it's like, "Damn a diet. I need my Ben and Jerry's NOW because those are the only two men that love me right now." And as bad as I feel for my fellow sisters in womanhood, I feel worse for the guys because they never, ever know when a mood swing is coming, unless he grew up in the house with all women and his father was his safety zone. Even then, dad will go out for whatever reason and not come back until the storm has blown over the house, usually in about a week. That poor guy had to catch it from his mom and sisters. So he knows what to say and do, sort of. What's even more upsetting is that it gets worse as you get older. So by the time I'm thirty, I expect my hair to catch afire and the top half of my body to spin around. Yes, for that week, I would be the embodiment of Beetlejuice.

I don't think PMS should stand for pre-menstrual syndrome. I think it should stand for PER MONTH SILLINESS, because every month we all seem to become our worst enemy. No amount of pills can stop that, no matter how much Midol and Tylenol we inhale.

Growing up and out ...

John Mayer has a song on his last album called "Bigger Than My Body." I wonder if he was talking about how bodies change as you get older ...

I remember when I was in high school (not yet even a decade yet), I was a svelte 140 lbs. I was running track and I had an extremely high metabolism. You couldn't have told me I wasn't cute. Then I went to college and the Freshman 15 landed on me so fast, my supportive and loving mom said on a semester break trip home, "Who are you and what did you do to my daughter?" Needless to say, just walking around on campus wasn't doing it. But I managed to stay the same size in undergrad. When I graduated and got my first job, I was introduced to good living ... for those that know, it means three meals a day with snacks in between. All of a sudden, 155 was creeping up to 165 ... 166 ... you know what I'm saying! I knew that something had to be done and fast or else I'd be looking at the way I was as a memory. So I enrolled in a gym. Working out was good, at first. Then it just got expensive! Why, somebody PLEASE tell me why, it costs so much to stay healthy? But I kept on going and I started to see great results until I went through some life changes that kicked me out of going to the gym. But through perserverance, I found a new gym and great group of people to workout with (shoutouts to Dee and Sharon- the greatest motivators). But through even more life changes, I changed jobs and moved to another city for grad school and the spread has begun yet again. I'm doing what I can to maintain it, but when your fat jeans are snug, then it's gotten out of control. I think J. Anthony Brown said it best from the Tom Joyner Morning Show, "You know you are fat when your earrings don't fit anymore." And right now, I don't have the dollars for a new wardrobe for an expanding body. And let's face it, my body at 26 is definitely more mature than the one I had at 16. But that doesn't give me the right to have the Dunlap disease (that's when your stomach done lapped over your belt). SOOOO it looks like I gotta find a new gym and a new workout crew, 'cause I don't want to be "bigger" than my body frame.

My first blog

Hello all!

This is my first blog and my first entry. I've never had a blog before so this should be an interesting turn of events. I've always enjoyed writing and I have always wanted a place to put my thoughts down so that people could read them. Maybe as people read the things I write down, it will be something that can open up some doors for all of us. So it is my hope that through my blog it will touch some lives.

Simply stated,

Caryn