Been thinking about .... the holidays

Yes the holidays. It's almost like for eleven months everyone is comatose and then as soon as Halloween comes and goes, the world goes into a frenzy about Christmas and they make the nonsense last up through the third day of the New Year. EvenThanksgiving is a pit stop for Christmas shopping. I won't lie, I've lost my enthusiasm for Christmas some years ago, shoot with Thanksgiving too! After my parents got divorced the whole magic about Christmas just got lost on me because the realization was that Santa didn't exist (what a blow that was at 9 years old), the family was low on funds, and it gave people an excuse to throw pity parties for other that didn't have anything. Even with Thanksgiving, the excitement I used to have for it waned as I got older and moved away. I felt like, "Okay I have my family .... I give thanks for all of the things I have and have been able to accomplish .... can we just get through the snow and make it to spring??" In fact this time last year I was probably at my lowest point, contemplating moving back home, dealing with a job loss and reeling from an illness that pretty much over took my body. Then, there wasn't a whole lot for me to give thanks for, nothing really out there for me to shout about. But as with everything, they change and your life goes on with it's twists and turns, some expected and many more very unexepected. This time around, I'm in a relationship and it is the holidays. He's over joyed about the holidays and I am overwhelemed with his joyousness. I'm not saying that I need to have someone as callous as myself about the holidays, but the meaning got sucked out of it as the years went along. Now I am finding myself struggling with the burden of it all; wanting to get gifts for anybody and everybody I can think of, sending Christmas cards, making good food, actually being cheery for once, for real. The only thing that holds me back is gainful employment that brings along the money so that I can make these things happen. And I find myself back at the same stage I was in when I was in undergrad- wanting to do things for people that have impacted me but I can't because I don't have anything to give. And it burns me because isn't that what the holidays are all about? Showing off all of your good fortune and sharing it with those you love, right? Well only have one thing to share and that's my man and trust me, at this point, that's about the best gift I can give my family. The gift of peace of mind that I am not alone and wasting away in Detroit.