Monday, June 27, 2005

Slowing down a fast moving car

Relationships in alot of ways are like cars and their owners. Most of the time when an owner buys a car, they look to having that car for a long time. Some owners fall in love with their cars right away. Others have to work on falling in love with it. You have those that are always upgrading to the next new and shiny model, never really able to commit, and others that won't let go of the hooptie that got them through college for all of the memories they've had with it, although to keep it is costing them much more than it is worth. But all of them have one thing in common- plenty of work is involved in keeping a car running right and the same can be said for a relationship. Relationships, like cars, take alot of care and maintenance and if you aren't careful and pay attention to what is going on in the relationship, you can wear it out to the point where it is irrepairable. Just as much as you try to accelerate your car when it is unnecessary, if you go too fast in a relationship without knowing how to handle it, it is likely you will crash and hurt yourself and the passenger riding along with you. If you go too slow, then you run the risk of not being able to enjoy the drive. So somewhere there has to be a balance of sorts. But when all else fails and you feel like the car that's being driven or you're driving is moving too fast, you can put the brakes down or ask the driver to slow the hell up, that it isn't a race to couplehood. But you have to be ready for all of the responsibility that all of that entails or else it will be a car going nowhere.

Sunday, June 26, 2005

Looking for the disappointments when (so far) there are none

Not that I am looking for disappointment, but when things are just too perfect, the situation is just too right, you're waiting around for it. The balance with the world is off right now because he's being nice. I'm at a point in my life where if I date someone, it's not dating just to date anymore, there is a bigger picture to consider. I already know how the man feels about me, he said so and he keeps saying so over and over again. Tonight when our movie ended, he said and I quote, "I always enjoy myself when I'm with you. This has been a very good 15 days getting to know you." I was literally speechless because I've never dealt with anyone that remembers dates and evenmoreso, counts the damn days since you met! WHO DOES THAT? I digress. I don't want to mess this up but I feel like I'm being pushed into a corner, like if you don't make it with this man, then there is no hope for you. All relationships are supposed to take time right? So why do I feel like if I don't make up my mind about this one, then there is an even lesser of a chance to have the same thing happen twice? I know what I am looking for ... I'm looking and waiting for the mistake to be made, because at least I'll know he's human.

Saturday, June 25, 2005

The Power of Other People's Marriages

For the past few years, I have been witness to and a part of many weddings, with two of them happening back to back in the past three weeks. It seems that everyone around me is getting more serious about their relationships with their mates, getting engaged, getting married and making key decisions that will forever affect their married lives. It's been interesting for me to watch my own evolution about how I feel about marriage. I remember being a teenager and thinking that marriage was the way to having everything you ever wanted. The problem with that is that your mate has to want roughly the same things and more importantly work hard to achieve those things. And I've been witness to and been a part of what happens when two people no longer want to work together. I also remember the time when I felt marriage was nothing but a crock- two people living monogamously for the rest of their lives? A happy and productive marriage? That can't be possible with shows like "Cheaters" showing, what else, cheaters. But as of late, with my friends and relatives that have taken their time to get to know their mates, let life rough them up a bit to see if the relationship is worth fighting for and waited until the time was right to get married, they have renewed my faith in the man being the man and the woman being the woman and both sides coming together with a common goal in mind. All of them have shown me what happens when two people want the same things and are willing to work for them. And who wouldn't want that? There are some that have truly been scarred up by relationships and vow not to marry again. They are well within their rights to never marry again if they don't want to. But I sincerely feel that if a man or a woman finds the one that wants to share their life with them, they won't let a little thing like life tear them apart. In fact, it's the bumps and bruises that make the relationships as unique as they are. I'm happy knowing that with all of the married couples in my life, they give me hope for the future about marriage. Not that I am trying to get married today or any time soon, but it is nice to be able to see firsthand what happens when everyone is on the same page.

Wednesday, June 22, 2005

Fear of Being Liked and Loved the Right Way

I've been hurt by men far more than I care to admit. Most times I'm able to suck it up and do whatever it takes for me to forget about the person. I throw things away, delete messages and phone numbers and try not to mention that person's name if I ever have to refer back to him. There have been days when I've cried and moped or have been so mad that the only way to get out the aggression is through kickboxing or a workout so strenuous that the only thing I can think about is passing out from exhaustion. But what do you do when someone says, "I like you?" or "You're perfect for me" or "When you come back, I'll be right here?" Now I can sure take that as lip service. Lord knows that I have heard these things time and time again. But this time someone means that and I am running and pushing away because I just know that he is telling a lie just like the rest of them did, only making it sound extremely good. There's something about him, however, that says that he isn't lying. It's so surreal that I don't believe this person is real. Sure I talk to him, we hang with one another, but I'm waiting with baited breath for the other shoe to drop because I just know that it will drop. I've always asked God to send me someone that will feel the same way I feel about him, but was I too hasty in asking for this? Am I even ready for it? With the others I thought I was, and we all know how that turned out. But things are different this time around. The man is different this time around. So am I legitimizing my fear of being liked and loved the right way? Or am I being chicken shit about it because I know that I need something like this in my life? Or could it be that I'd rather he leave now before the both of us end up hurt? What a way to deal with this situation!!

Monday, June 20, 2005

Feeling guilty for one date with Jaime

This weekend I went on a date with Jaime. We had a pretty good time with one another. We both left our cellphones at my house. He and I went to the theater and saw "Mr. and Mrs. Smith." We talked and laughed and shared popcorn and sour patch kids. I was actually at home before 1am. It was a very nice and easy first date. We went ahead and made plans to go go-kart racing the following Sunday.

The following day, I called my best friend Courtney and her husband David and told them about my date with Jaime and basically got reemed for going out on a date. Actually I was reemed by David, Courtney just sat and agreed. "You have an emotional deficit and now someone gets to fill it without you having to put anything into it," said David the psychiatrist. "You've been hurt so much by men that not only do the people you hook up with are long distance and emotionally distant, but you put all of your energy into them and you don't get replenished by them." And just like that, I felt guilty. It was almost immediate. Just a movie- that's all it was, but when is a movie more than a movie? Apparently when the guy you like is currently liking you a little more than you are liking him at the moment.

Don't get me wrong, I sincerely like Jaime, but I also know that after what happened with Jon, I'm nowhere close to feeling like I want or need to be in a relationship with someone right now. Now maybe I'm using work and/or school as an excuse, but I need to get myself together first before trying to include someone in my life.

Tuesday, June 14, 2005

Been thinking about .... Lessons learned from past hurts

Not all hurts that occur happen in a romantic relationship, although those are the ones we tend to remember, linger on and dissect until we can't anymore. In speaking with a male friend of mine today, he said something to me that I've taken to heart. Just as much as the "love life" talk with my best friend's pastor made me look at love in a different way, my friend's comment on why things end in relationships now has me looking at the end of romantic relationships in a different way. He's said to me, "Sometimes it's best to not know all of the details in when a relationship ends. Let the end be the end and move on. Sure you will be hurt and you will deal with that hurt, but you will move on and be better because of it." As much as I know that this is the truth, as a woman I can't help but wonder what the real reasons are why men leave me. But then again, maybe my friend is right, it's best I don't know because I won't be able to carry that into the next situation. What I can say is that I refuse to travel backwards. I've already dealt with it. But if it means that going backwards will allow me to have the reaction I deserve to have, then it is necessary so that I can move forward. All I do know is something has to give.

Sunday, June 12, 2005

Another wedding, a new lease on dating

Yesterday marked the end of the wedding season for me. My sororsisterfriend got married to her man of five years and it was a wonderful ceremony. As much as my feet hurt during the entire ceremony, it was filled with a lot of surprises. Surprise number one was the man I was walking with at the rehearsal was not the same man I ended up walking with in the ceremony. His name is Noah. He was quite handsome and charming. He even managed to tell me that I had a pretty smile as he was walking me down the rest of the way of the aisle. And all the while, I was focusing on the happiness on my friends, I later found out I was being checked out by someone else- his name? That's surprise number 2, Jaime. Jaime is a friend of the maid of honor and we all got along swimmingly. He and I got quite a bit in common and he's really a nice man. The maid of honor was pretty much like, "I'm gonna set the two of you up!" And I mean we hit it off- we danced, laughed, talked. But I also did the same thing with Noah. Shoot I gave Noah some of my cake! And Noah currently lives where I want to live- Houston, Texas. I'm going to keep in contact with him as well. And with the book I've been reading, it pretty much says that I need to be open to just chilling out with someone, just learning about them, taking it day by day. So that's what I am going to do- I'm just going to be open. We never know ....

Monday, June 06, 2005

A new twist to an age old question ...

Over the weekend, my best friend got married. It was a beautiful ceremony and I was choked up all the way through the ceremony for both her and her new husband. It was affirming to see two people who truly care for one another's well being and sincerely love one another to profess before God and man their commitment to one another to love, honor and obey each other. However, it is what happened the day before the wedding that struck me and is still rattling in my brain as a sign from God not to give up hope for true love ... The day before the wedding, I met the priest that married my best friend off to her new husband. He and I were talking in the sanctuary about the ceremony when he asked me, "So Caryn, when is your big day?" I let him know that there was no big day coming for me anytime soon. He told me I was gorgeous and that just can't be right. Then he took me aback. "How is your love life?" Surely he wasn't asking me about my private life! I answered quite plainly, "It sucks." He then said, "It can't suck because I know there is someone that loves you." Again I answered plainly, "No it pretty much sucks." "Do you love your mother?" "Of course I do!" "What about your dad?" "Yeah." "Brothers/sisters?" "Yeah I love my brother." "See so your love life doesn't 'suck' as you put it. You got a lot of love going on. And if you have that much love happening, then your big day, just like Courtney and David's day is coming when it is time for him to come." And with this notion, I probably smiled one of the biggest smiles possible because I have been keeping the notion of love wrapped up in this little bitty box called "romantic" love when I CLEARLY know that it is much bigger than that. I know that right at that moment, the Lord had the priest redirect my path back towards the right direction. Too often, we see love as only romantic love and nothing past that. My truth is that I do love a lot of people and I love them hard. My issue falls with not feeling like those same people love me just as hard, when I know that some of them do and some of them do not and that is okay, it happens. As long as I love the way I am supposed to love then I do not have to wonder if whether or not I am loved. Just as long as I am. That is all that really matters.