The "S" word

I have two grandmothers. Both of them were born in the 20's, married young, had families, lived streets away from one another on the south side of East St. Louis and both had their husbands die within days of one another when I was only three years. Neither woman has remarried and continues to live the single life to this day. My grandma Doll only has my brother and I has her two grandchildren. My grandma Evelyn has over 20 grandchildren and the great grandchildren have been coming, sometimes two or three at a time. And although their lives parallel in many respects, the differ in one important aspect- the "s" word.

For one grandmother, Grandma Doll, the "s" word is "single." She's said to me often and early for me to live out my single days as it they were the last single days I'm going to have. She'd say, "Trust me Caryn. Once you marry, that is the end of you. It stops being about you and becomes about your husband. So please, go out and do all of the silly things you want to do. Travel the world, build a house, move a few times. And when you are good and ready, then marry." Man how I love my grandma!

For the other grandmother, Grandma Evelyn, the "s" word is "settle." Yes "settle" as in "Settle down, you're not getting any younger. And when are you gonna give your momma a grandchild and me a great grandbaby?!?" She never fails to mention it whenever I travel there to visit. She also has said to me often and early, "You need to settle down and get some roots instead of traveling everywhere and being a part of everything. Why can't you find someone and get married and have children? No man wants a woman that can't sit down. We may have to buy you a husband. No man can handle you!" She has plenty of grandchildren to choose from to bother about getting married but her sights have focused on me. I can also say that in the past four years there have been four weddings and six or seven great-grandchildren born, including two sets of twins. ARGH!!! THE PRESSURE!!! Don't get me wrong, I love my grandma just as much as other one, but I like the single philosophy much more than the settle down philosophy, at least now I do. Let me explain ...

As a young girl, I have fantasized about one day being married and having children. So you can imagine my disappointment when I saw firsthand how a marriage that is supposed to be for forever can end. Growing up I saw, more often than not, young girls like myself, and sometimes younger, pregnant. I promised my family that I would do things the "right" way- go to college, graduate, get married, buy a house, have babies. So far I have done that to a point- I attended and graduated from one of the top institutions in the country and I was engaged right before my senior year in college. But in the engagement, I was one unhappy and uncertain woman. There were things I wanted to do that my fiancee didn't want me to do. It was painfully obvious that our lives were in two different directions with no sign of either side conceding to the other, but I was determined to get married- after all it was a part of the order of things. When it ended there was a great relief for me and I moved to a new city. Grandma Doll was happy I was being adventurous with life, Grandma Evelyn was disappointed that I wasn't getting married. Did I fail to mention that all of this was happening before I turned 22?

Once that happened, the "S" (settle) word along with the "M"(marriage) and "B" (baby) words became like cuss words to be. Every time somebody mentioned it, I would cover my ears and start singing. I didn't get it! Didn't people want me to find love first before marriage and children? I mean really where is the love in the equation? Technically you don't need love to have either, but still, if I'm gonna vow my fidelity, I have got to love you and be in love with you, not just like you. Personally I want to love and be in love with that man enough to want to marry him and have his children, not because some clock is ticking away at the possibilities and not because my grandma feels it's time for me to get married and have babies.

Now I am in a relationship with a great man and there are times when we talk around it. We've discussed the possibilities of living together before we even tried to talk about marriage. We mention marriage in casual ways but never to the point of, "Let's talk dates and colors and the do's and don't of our wedding." There's always this pressure of "When will he ask?" from friends and family alike. The pressure for engagement came around the holidays. Everyone but me was expecting a proposal; hell I knew better! They were all disappointed that it didn't happen. Instead, I won a bet and got a webcam out of the deal. Even with his return to the states in less than three weeks, people again are looking for a ring. I think this time people don't want to make a bet because they know they will lose. It can be safe to assume that if he asked me, I would be more than surprised, but don't expect a date any time soon. If anything, I'll wait until some of my girlfriends' children get old enough to play a role in the wedding.