Been thinking about .....

my marriage. More and more as of late. There are days when everything is so good and sweet. We enjoy being around one another, we make each other laugh, and when the day is gone, we fall into each other's arms, as content as we want to be. Then there are those other days when I feel like we're disconnected, like what I say doesn't reach his ears and by the time my words do reach him, it's like their meaning has changed. When has the question, "Honey could you clean out the tub for me please?" turn into me nagging, especially when I know who keeps the house clean. I've often asked myself if I have made the right decision to even get married. Oh how many times I have asked myself that question! I almost feel like we would have been doggone good if we waited another year. I wasn't in a rush but in looking back, it was like a damn race to the altar and I wasn't EVEN at the starting line. I was trying to wrap my head around everything, including paying for everything with as much cash as possible, but all I got was hit upside the head. The stress, the hurt, the anger, the frustration- it seems like all of that keeps bubbling to the surface at the most inopportune times. This time around it was at church at the Watchnight Celebration and in front of everybody. If you didn't know we were having problems before, everyone knew it then. Don't get me wrong, I married a good guy who works hard and is going through hoops of fire to make sure that we are fine. I appreciate that more than anything, but sometimes I don't even think he knows me. More times than not, I feel like an accessory or an afterthought and not his mate. Hell at one point, I was thinking that I was his secretary, running errands and making him feel like the man. And here I am hoping that he makes me fee like a woman. But again, all that is an afterthought. He keeps making the same promise of being more attentive to my needs, we'll see about that, but in my heart of hearts, I already know the truth. I guess the only good thing that came out of it is that from this point forward I'll be going home for Thanksgiving and Christmas alone. That works for me!