My Girlfriends (Few and so far Between)

I had an interesting thought this morning as I headed to brunch for a girlfriend's birthday. It dawned on me that I was a rich woman. In terms of money, not a whole lot of that in my pockets, but I am rich in girlfriends. I am very blessed to have the ones that I have. The ones that can uplift you and see through you when the world accepts it for face value when you say that you are okay. The ones that can laugh with you and at you, celebrate your gains and boo at your losses, and aren't ashamed to tell you the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I realized just how truly and wonderfully blessed I am with my girlfriends. I see now why my mom has the women around her the way she does. They keep her sharp and secure. They help her see the silver lining in the darkest clouds. They hold one another up. As I look back in my own life, I've only had a few, but I am so very thankful for those few. Even with the ebb and flow of life, we're good even as life takes over and we can't always connect. Grandma always said that if I had more girlfriends than fingers and toes then I needed to up my standards. But I say if I look around and I have none, then I need to upgrade my standards and check myself.

Coming up with a new plan

Well I think I have finally have had my day in weight court. I've been hovering over the same 200-205 pounds for the past year and it is time, high time, to get off this merry-go-round. I've come to realize that what I did five years ago to lose 40 pounds just is not going to cut it anymore. So I have decided that I need help. And I'm going to take that help in the form of Alli. I've thought about this quite a bit. Now I remember the big rave about Alli when it first came out and then the boos and hiss after hearing that if you eat too much fat then it will come out and quickly. There's no passing gas hoping that nothing comes out with it. Hell there's no wearing light colored pants unless you are really secure in your food intake. My husband has graciously agreed to join me on this quest because let's be honest here, we can't get right if only one of us is on the plan. Besides, I was there when he was at his heaviest and I supported him through his change. So what do I need to do? I need to document like crazy. Like I need to take pictures of my body and measurements of my body. I need to actually write down everything that I put into my mouth. I'm already documenting how much activity I do on a daily basis. The real question is this-- what will it take to have me stay consistent. Will I have to bribe myself to get myself right? Will I have to buy one of those refrigerators with alarms on them? Do I need to buy new plates that are smaller than the ones I have to ensure I don't pile it on? Well whatever it takes, I just know that playtime is over if I want to get right. I can't get right by myself. I'm enlisting an army.

Getting my Grown Woman On

Well I finally did it! I have finally reserved my ticket and space for the Mother/Daughter cruise in May. I'm so excited. Seven glorious days with the greatest women in my life along with one of my good girlfriends. This trip is gonna be even better than when I went to Dallas by myself. I'm looking forward to going away. I never realized how much and I needed to make a run for the border until this time of my life came up. I can't wait to be with my family. I'm working hard to get my body right and I'm also getting my mind right as well. I'm all about making sure I get myself on the right track to enjoying my trip away from my husband and my job. Next week I'm paying off the bulk of the trip for me and my girl and we're gonna be smooth ass sailing. And of course, what happens on the trip, stays on the trip.

Questions

It's something that I have had plenty of as of late. Questions like, "Why did my ex-fiancee contact me?" Or "Why is it that my husband and I can only get along after we have a blow-up, drag-down fight?" Or "Why is it that I am getting more satisfaction out of my job than my marriage?" Surely something is amiss in Carynland. Maybe the things that are happening is the foreshadowing of the things to come. If that is true, then I am in a not so good situation. I'm trying to make it out of my 20's drama free, not bogged down with it. The feelings that I have been feeling as of late, hell, I'm not sure what to think at this point. I've spent the past week and half trying to sort out some different emotions and I've somehow come to some conclusions. I 'm missing something very important out of my marriage and it is dating my husband. We don't talk or laugh with one another any more. All we seem to know how to do is fight. I couldn't even tell you the last time he did something romantic with me. I believe the inevitable has happened ..... I have become his roommate and we haven't been married a year yet. I'm so sad.

Treading Water

I've had alot on my mind as of late. In about two weeks I will take the GRE for the PhD program that I am applying for. I have three days worth of programing happening this week. I'll be giving presentations to Senior officers of the University in the next two weeks. My dog is eating mechanical pencils that my husband neglects to pick up off of the floor. I'm trying to continue to eat healthy and work out like I am supposed to. And of course, I'm trying to keep the spark in my marriage, which right about now, is as hot as a Michigan Monday in January.

I don't know what to do anymore. I'm working hard because I know that I have to in order to keep everything straight for my job as well as my marriage. In every marriage there is a certain amount of sacrifice. But should that sacrifice be a welcoming hug and kiss at the door? Should it be a "Baby you look good today" or "Honey I'll help you cook and clean up the kitchen so that we can talk?" From the looks of it, I've fallen from being my husband's everything to his roommate that he sleeps with. It's frustrating you know. As women, we do everything to ourselves possible to make us attractive to our mates and it just could be all in vain. Do you know how many nights I have gone to bed wearing pretty things only for his back to be turned? What's the point? I might as well wear the pajamas with the footies attached. And why, why, why does every conversation have to revolve around money and the bills? There are other things to talk about than what I'm doing wrong or what else it is that we don't have. I believe I'm a good woman and a good wife that's doing everything she can to make sure that everything is good across the board. So why the coldness? Jill Scott said it best, "You're in arms reach but, baby, where are you?" It's enough to make me want to holler. I guess it's just that fall from grace until we decide to try for children. Maybe then he'll pay attention to me other than asking me what's for dinner.

Been thinking about .....

my marriage. More and more as of late. There are days when everything is so good and sweet. We enjoy being around one another, we make each other laugh, and when the day is gone, we fall into each other's arms, as content as we want to be. Then there are those other days when I feel like we're disconnected, like what I say doesn't reach his ears and by the time my words do reach him, it's like their meaning has changed. When has the question, "Honey could you clean out the tub for me please?" turn into me nagging, especially when I know who keeps the house clean. I've often asked myself if I have made the right decision to even get married. Oh how many times I have asked myself that question! I almost feel like we would have been doggone good if we waited another year. I wasn't in a rush but in looking back, it was like a damn race to the altar and I wasn't EVEN at the starting line. I was trying to wrap my head around everything, including paying for everything with as much cash as possible, but all I got was hit upside the head. The stress, the hurt, the anger, the frustration- it seems like all of that keeps bubbling to the surface at the most inopportune times. This time around it was at church at the Watchnight Celebration and in front of everybody. If you didn't know we were having problems before, everyone knew it then. Don't get me wrong, I married a good guy who works hard and is going through hoops of fire to make sure that we are fine. I appreciate that more than anything, but sometimes I don't even think he knows me. More times than not, I feel like an accessory or an afterthought and not his mate. Hell at one point, I was thinking that I was his secretary, running errands and making him feel like the man. And here I am hoping that he makes me fee like a woman. But again, all that is an afterthought. He keeps making the same promise of being more attentive to my needs, we'll see about that, but in my heart of hearts, I already know the truth. I guess the only good thing that came out of it is that from this point forward I'll be going home for Thanksgiving and Christmas alone. That works for me!

2008 ... Just what will it bring?

We all know the answer to that question. No one really knows what 2008 will bring. Everybody makes resolutions to better themselves and make some changes but that time only lasts for so long and then it's back to what made us what we have become. However, I'm taking a different approach. I mean after all, this is the time to let the BS ride on and how you truly feel about some things come through. I'd like to think that 2008 is a time for renewal and a chance to right whatever wrongs I have. And with the time and work and effort put in, those changes that you want to happen, they really will happen.

Here's what I have come to understand. I've figured out that absolutely no one can make me happy, only I can do that. I think I got it about change and that it happens and there's no controlling it, but I can control the way I react to it. I get it about dogs and that if you take care of them, they really will take care of you (in their own dog way). I see now why people leave their jobs and start their own businesses and succeed. I get it that my health is my biggest investment, not my house. I can love my husband and know that what he did to get me, more than likely won't be what sustains me or keeps me because other things, with the emphasis on things, become more important. I got it that I am my own greatest inspiration and challenge. I can finally appreciate the struggle but I also know that in order for me to get better, it still continues and never really stops- it just may slow down a bit.

I guess I say all of that to say that I know that 2008 will bring it's share of high highs and low lows, but all of it will make me who I am to become. I made a promise to myself on my wedding day that although I am married I will keep me straight and in order. I promised myself that I will continue to be who I am and not a shell of a woman. I promised myself that I would do things that would be my personal pleasure and not at the mercy of my husband. But most importantly , I have to emphasize that I am still Caryn Reed. So what will 2008 bring, I can't say. But I can say that things that should have been corrected will be corrected and the crooked paths will be made straight, the bumpy roads will be made smooth and the adventure will continue on.