Soulstar .... Dancing again

I recently started taking salsa lessons and my has it been an eye opening experience! I'm finding that I have missed dancing alot and it was one of the ways that when I was college, that I could stay in shape without feeling like I am working out. There's something about daning taht is spirit lifting, sensual and exhilirating. Whether it is making a connection with a partner, getting a dance step correct or being spun and keeping balance, it's all connected. Dancing makes me happy, makes me remember what was good about being me. Even though it has been some years since I had formal training of any kind, I'm getting a kick out of it. I'm loving how sexy and all around good I feel afterwards. I feel that when I salsa, rumba, and cha-cha, that I am putting some good vibes out in the air. It's like every move I make says, "Hey Look at THIS!" And people really do turn around and look at it. Now that I know that I want this to be a hobby of mine, I now have to find a partner that I can compete with. I may have found one but i first have to take many, many, many more classes before I can compete.

Marriage .... House Duties ..... The Never Ending Battle

I've come to realize that splitting house duties is something of a mystery. In the course of a day, I clean the house before I go to work in the morning and when I get home at night, I clean it again. It goes unnoticed. For my husband, it's like the dishes miraculously clean and put away themselves or the bed is made by the bed making fairy. I'm not saying that I should get credit for things I'm supposed to do, but I would appreciate the support of his taking responsibility of cleaning up his mess, putting away his things and getting every dish he dirties up in the dishwasher. Is that so much to ask? I see what makes a woman go mad about her home and why she doesn't want anybody touching anything, because chances are that it won't get clean again or it will take her a very long time for everything to get right again. I think I should take the advice of one of my colleagues at work who used to have this problem with her husband .... she convinced him that hiring a house cleaner makes more sense than having digital cable .... and you know what? I'd rather have a completely clean house and no good shows to watch in my free time than 150 different cable stations and moldy dishes!

I've been away too long

Let me first say that I can't believe that it has been since 2005 since I have written here. Frickin' November 2005 .... wow .... well a lot has happened since then. The boyfriend I spoke about has since become my husband. The degree I cried over I eventually owned. The apartment we lived in soon turned into a larger house in the suburbs. The twice stolen car I owned turned into my first new car that no one else owned. I got the job I've wanted since I've started in higher education. Come to think of it, I have had plenty of good firsts since the last time I was here. The only thing that has not happened yet is my first child and I'm so glad that child is a little ways away right now. In the mean time, I'll have a dog soon. A shih poo named Lucky. And Lucky he is! He's going to come into a loving home where I will take good care of him and I get to see if my husband will also take care of him. This should be interesting because right now, he's all about him. I'll blog on that soon enough ...

As for the rest of things in life ... everything is everything .... I think the most difficult thing I'm dealing with right now and adjusting to my role as wife. When I first started dating my husband, I thought was the greatest thing since sliced bread. He still is, but since living together and getting married, I've seen some things that I thought I wouldn't see or hadn't seen before. It's like they say, the things that you once adored are now the things that annoy. That statement is true to the Nth degree. And I'm sure that he can say the same thing about me and my tendencies. But the fact remains, the gloves came off the day we said I do.

Been thinking about .... the holidays

Yes the holidays. It's almost like for eleven months everyone is comatose and then as soon as Halloween comes and goes, the world goes into a frenzy about Christmas and they make the nonsense last up through the third day of the New Year. EvenThanksgiving is a pit stop for Christmas shopping. I won't lie, I've lost my enthusiasm for Christmas some years ago, shoot with Thanksgiving too! After my parents got divorced the whole magic about Christmas just got lost on me because the realization was that Santa didn't exist (what a blow that was at 9 years old), the family was low on funds, and it gave people an excuse to throw pity parties for other that didn't have anything. Even with Thanksgiving, the excitement I used to have for it waned as I got older and moved away. I felt like, "Okay I have my family .... I give thanks for all of the things I have and have been able to accomplish .... can we just get through the snow and make it to spring??" In fact this time last year I was probably at my lowest point, contemplating moving back home, dealing with a job loss and reeling from an illness that pretty much over took my body. Then, there wasn't a whole lot for me to give thanks for, nothing really out there for me to shout about. But as with everything, they change and your life goes on with it's twists and turns, some expected and many more very unexepected. This time around, I'm in a relationship and it is the holidays. He's over joyed about the holidays and I am overwhelemed with his joyousness. I'm not saying that I need to have someone as callous as myself about the holidays, but the meaning got sucked out of it as the years went along. Now I am finding myself struggling with the burden of it all; wanting to get gifts for anybody and everybody I can think of, sending Christmas cards, making good food, actually being cheery for once, for real. The only thing that holds me back is gainful employment that brings along the money so that I can make these things happen. And I find myself back at the same stage I was in when I was in undergrad- wanting to do things for people that have impacted me but I can't because I don't have anything to give. And it burns me because isn't that what the holidays are all about? Showing off all of your good fortune and sharing it with those you love, right? Well only have one thing to share and that's my man and trust me, at this point, that's about the best gift I can give my family. The gift of peace of mind that I am not alone and wasting away in Detroit.

The Couple Life .... Blissful (so far)

Being a couple these past four months has been an interesting experience. To date, my boyfriend has been the BEST BOYFRIEND EVER and he deserves an award. I've never had experiences like this before and it has been mind blowing from the beginning. I also must state that contrary to popular belief, my eyes have been open all along and not blinded by one side of girlfriends saying "Girl his ass ain't no good! Don't Trust HIM!!" and family members on the other saying "Well it's about damn time you met somebody compatible! When you getting married?" Of course we have both friends and family members that believe that we should be unhappy because they are unhappy, but I don't have time or patience for that. What we do know is that neither one of us wants to be pushed into something we don't want, but we also know that the eventual reality is marriage. I know some couples get married after two weeks and stay together for years and well other couples get married after years, only to find they really don't like each other, and get divorced after some weeks. We both know that were only doing this thing one time (and for the record, if he wants out, he better die on the altar). We're taking our time because there are other things that have to be handled, like credit repair, upgraded health maintenance and moving to a place that can accommodate my stuff and his stuff. You know you've hit a new level in your relationship where you are pulling each other's credit reports and saying, "I hope you still love me after you see this crap ass score." We've seen each other at our best and our worst. We experienced exhilarating moments and reality checking moments and no one ran away or blamed the other for whatever reason. We just said, "Okay now that's over, let's move on to the next phase." I think we're both aware that changes will occur in our relationship and it will peel back layers on ourselves, reflecting all sorts of things. We have to be adult enough to deal with those changes. I want our relationship to always change, always evolve into something better. I don't want to be in the same place right now, four years later- what kind of changes would occur from that?? So yes, to date, the couple life is blissful so far and I know that will change, be it good or bad. But at least I recognize that it will change.

One month down ... a lifetime to go

Last Saturday Jaime and I celebrated being a couple for one whole month. I know that may not seem like a lot to people nowadays, who celebrates being a couple for a month? But to tell the but being a couple for one whole month and you know that you have been a couple for one whole month is fairly important. It's a step inside couplehood, admitting that "Yes the man that is trying to sing karaoke is my boyfriend" or "Yes this purse belongs to my girlfriend" while in the dressing area of the Limited. It is a major step!

Soon he will meet my mom and brother and uncle. I have to say that having him meet them is daunting because those that have met them, never returned. And when I say never, I mean NEVER! I can say that I am excited and nervous because he wants to meet them and I don't have to put the grip on him to make him do it. Yes he is willing! This is a very large step as far as I am concerned. I am looking forward to their actual meeting.

So now that I've answered the question, can I handle it?

So far, the answer is no. Actually I mean to say "HELLLLL NOOOOO!" But then I can hear my mother in the back of my mind saying, "Don't sabatoge this looking for things that aren't really there." But since answering "yes" to "Will you be my girlfriend?" a new phenomenon has started occuring. Yes, a new phenomemon is happening and it's called scared shitless.

When a woman has dealt with enough bs men, she tends to forget that not all of them are like that. She can go about her business, dealing with guy after guy, always prepared for the level of nonsense that he will bring to the table. In fact, the nonsense doesn't even phase her anymore, that's how much it has occured. And then one day, while minding her business, a man who isn't full of bs chooses her. But what does she notice- the shit on his shoes maybe? Nope, he's clean. So what do you do when there is nothing there? Well you do what you are supposed to do- you deal with it and keep moving!

Old School Relationships ... The beginning

I remember being in the second grade in Mrs. Smith's class. It was Valentine's day and we were allowed to give candy and cards to our friends. I received a card that was special from this boy name Maurice. For a third grader he was tall with hazel eyes. That day he sent me a Valentine's card and in it he asked me if I would be his girlfriend with a box for "yes," "no," and "maybe" on the card. Later on that day, after much serious contemplation that I could muster as a 2nd grader, I answered his question with a yes and I had a boyfriend, it was that simple. We ate lunch together, we played with our friends on the playground and laughed about silly things. Although I didn't end up kissing my first boy until the 5th grade or so, I knew what was relationship was- at least in my 2nd grade mind I did. My how things have changed since the days of those boxes, that question in particular. Nowadays no one asks that important question anymore. It's alot of assuming that happens between couples- never a definite, just assumptions. "So I guess because we sleep together, you think that we're a couple?" "I mean I go out with him, but he thinks we are a couple when we aren't!" The reasons, or rather excuses, could reach far beyond the stratosphere. I think if we came up with enough excuses why not, it might actually hit God in the face- give the Creator a black eye for it all. But all in all, we've either used or have fallen for many of these reasons/excuses. However, I have a strong belief that the planets will again align and one day I'll be driving in my car, speaking to a man that I've been getting to know for the past 2 months. And in our laughing about the things that have occured in our day, the conversation take on a new tone and will go like this:

"Caryn I've been meaning to ask you something."

"Okay, ask away. I'm always the one asking the questions."

"Well there's really no right way to do this."

"Well whatever you have to say, just say it. What can it hurt you?"

"You're right. Well, you know how much I like you and the past couple of months have really solidified it for me that you are the one for me."

"Okay ..."

"It's not everyday a man finds a woman like you- you have it all together and just make me feel good no matter what's going on with me. I like that feeling. You make me happy."

"Okay- you tell me that everyday. I'm just being myself, no more, no less."

"I know, that's what makes you special."

"What did you want to ask me?"

"So ... what I wanted to know is ... man this is hard ... will you be, well I would be honored, if you would be my girlfriend?"

What woman wouldn't want that?

He likes me .... Jaime in C major

To have someone like me as much as I like him has been a hard thing to come by. I believed that there was a time when no one would like me back because they were more concerned about what they could get from me rather than linking up with me emotionally. But here I am, trying to do my thing and work on me and someone chooses me and likes me. I wasn't trying to be chosen, I was minding my business. Lo and behold he saw me and wanted to find out who I was. I wasn't being spectacular or anything, just helping my sistersororfriend get married and being a concerned bridesmaid. I guess yellow attracts people like that. But I didn't expect to walk out of her wedding reception holding his hand. And although we've had two official dates, one visit before I left the state and a slew of daily phonecalls, he's conceded that he's ready to spend his time with me, his life with me. He's willing to do what I want to do, willing to go where I want to go. He's not afraid of it all. He likes that I'm funny and not so funny and that I get emotional at times. He likes that I'm working hard to trust him and putting effort in getting to know who he is as a man, as Jaime. I like that he likes me back. I like that he sends me poetry and tells me that I'm perfect for him, even when he's laughing at me. He says I'm good for him and the only thing he wants to do is to show me how much he wants to make me happy- he declared that he was gonna make me happy. I like that he is Jaime all the time.

Letting him go

The hardest thing for a person to do- regardless of race, gender, color, creed, sexual orientation- is to admit when a relationship has run it's course. We've all, in some way, have encountered this brutal truth being brought to life. It may have happened when you were in the car one day and the thought hit you like a blast of cold air. It may have happened when as you were leaving your significant other and it dawned on you that you deserve better. Or something touched you as you were writing about something completely different and unrelated. In my case, I had it happen last night in a dream where all over the place, in many different instances, "You deserve more than what you've gotten" kept showing up. It was time to heed that call. I'd never, ever expect another man to try and make up for the mistakes of another, he'd be working overtime in that case, but I know better than to make something work when it won't, no matter how much you try to super glue things back together.

So I say to him today, with sincerity, I don't apologize for loving and caring for you, but the truth is that we are not good for one another, despite our knowing one another for years. Part of me thinks that our chance to be happy with one another was doomed from the beginning, but we still worked hard to make things happen. Our lives are in two different directions on so many levels that sometimes even I can't comprehend it. I never felt that you understood or cared about what I did for a living even though I tried very hard to understand what you do so that I could relate and be there for you. I can't be where you are and you can't be where I am, even when the opportunity comes for us to meet in the middle. I don't want to continue to wait on someone who never shows up and I don't want to continue to have to redirect my emotions towards IM when I'd rather be touching you. Your career choice forces you to leave the country at times, be incognito for weeks, even months at a time, and I understand that. But my career choice allowed me to make the decision to get closer to you physically and it seemed like you didn't want any part of that. For me to be the woman I am and working hard to become and I need a support system that is right there with me, pushing me to work harder. I like that I had the chance with you, and we both tried, but I can't deal with it anymore. Emotionally, I am empty when I'm supposed to be overflowing and I don't want to be empty anymore. I came to this conclusion months ago, but I held on to the simple faith that I'd see you and what I was feeling was wrong. In true form, you never showed up- and that spoke to me on so many levels. I can't deny this feeling inside me that just grows and grows with each passing day. So with this, I say, thank you for the life lesson and the lesson learned. Goodbye.

An upgrade in thinking

The past few days of my life since I have come back to my hometown for an internship have been mind-boggling, at best. Not that things have really changed sufficiently since I left for college and not looked back in 1996, but how many things often stay the same, suffering from sameness, indifference and settling. A day or so ago, I sent out an email to my diva-in-training counterparts about going from good to great. I give all credit for the "good to great" ideology from Dr. Beth Triplett and a book she has gotten me reading called "Good to Great" by Jim Collins. I put the challenge out to my sisterfriends to push past only being good and not let current situations and circumstances determine their greatness. I think about countless people who didn't let their current circumstances determine what they did next. Man how a situation can stagnate a person's growth!! But it only stagnates if a person lets it happen. Even in my own situation, with money being tight, had I NOT taken the internship, I wouldn't have had this mental upgrade in thinking, and I would not have had the opportunity to learn about myself and my own drive. Besides, who got anywhere from just being a good boy or a good girl? Who the hell wants only to be a good doctor or a good writer or a good cook? In our world, we put more emphasis on being good than asking one, "What will it take for you, this job, this letter, this lasagna, this moment, etc., to become great?" Yes we can attribute many things to God, the Creator, Synergy and what ever other name you can call your Diety. Some of us attribute greatness to luck. I personally believe it is attributed to will, choice and work- you have your will to make that choice to work for it. We were all given the same amount of everything- brains, talent and will. It's what we choose to do with them that gets all of us from good to great to sustained greatness.

Slowing down a fast moving car

Relationships in alot of ways are like cars and their owners. Most of the time when an owner buys a car, they look to having that car for a long time. Some owners fall in love with their cars right away. Others have to work on falling in love with it. You have those that are always upgrading to the next new and shiny model, never really able to commit, and others that won't let go of the hooptie that got them through college for all of the memories they've had with it, although to keep it is costing them much more than it is worth. But all of them have one thing in common- plenty of work is involved in keeping a car running right and the same can be said for a relationship. Relationships, like cars, take alot of care and maintenance and if you aren't careful and pay attention to what is going on in the relationship, you can wear it out to the point where it is irrepairable. Just as much as you try to accelerate your car when it is unnecessary, if you go too fast in a relationship without knowing how to handle it, it is likely you will crash and hurt yourself and the passenger riding along with you. If you go too slow, then you run the risk of not being able to enjoy the drive. So somewhere there has to be a balance of sorts. But when all else fails and you feel like the car that's being driven or you're driving is moving too fast, you can put the brakes down or ask the driver to slow the hell up, that it isn't a race to couplehood. But you have to be ready for all of the responsibility that all of that entails or else it will be a car going nowhere.

Looking for the disappointments when (so far) there are none

Not that I am looking for disappointment, but when things are just too perfect, the situation is just too right, you're waiting around for it. The balance with the world is off right now because he's being nice. I'm at a point in my life where if I date someone, it's not dating just to date anymore, there is a bigger picture to consider. I already know how the man feels about me, he said so and he keeps saying so over and over again. Tonight when our movie ended, he said and I quote, "I always enjoy myself when I'm with you. This has been a very good 15 days getting to know you." I was literally speechless because I've never dealt with anyone that remembers dates and evenmoreso, counts the damn days since you met! WHO DOES THAT? I digress. I don't want to mess this up but I feel like I'm being pushed into a corner, like if you don't make it with this man, then there is no hope for you. All relationships are supposed to take time right? So why do I feel like if I don't make up my mind about this one, then there is an even lesser of a chance to have the same thing happen twice? I know what I am looking for ... I'm looking and waiting for the mistake to be made, because at least I'll know he's human.

The Power of Other People's Marriages

For the past few years, I have been witness to and a part of many weddings, with two of them happening back to back in the past three weeks. It seems that everyone around me is getting more serious about their relationships with their mates, getting engaged, getting married and making key decisions that will forever affect their married lives. It's been interesting for me to watch my own evolution about how I feel about marriage. I remember being a teenager and thinking that marriage was the way to having everything you ever wanted. The problem with that is that your mate has to want roughly the same things and more importantly work hard to achieve those things. And I've been witness to and been a part of what happens when two people no longer want to work together. I also remember the time when I felt marriage was nothing but a crock- two people living monogamously for the rest of their lives? A happy and productive marriage? That can't be possible with shows like "Cheaters" showing, what else, cheaters. But as of late, with my friends and relatives that have taken their time to get to know their mates, let life rough them up a bit to see if the relationship is worth fighting for and waited until the time was right to get married, they have renewed my faith in the man being the man and the woman being the woman and both sides coming together with a common goal in mind. All of them have shown me what happens when two people want the same things and are willing to work for them. And who wouldn't want that? There are some that have truly been scarred up by relationships and vow not to marry again. They are well within their rights to never marry again if they don't want to. But I sincerely feel that if a man or a woman finds the one that wants to share their life with them, they won't let a little thing like life tear them apart. In fact, it's the bumps and bruises that make the relationships as unique as they are. I'm happy knowing that with all of the married couples in my life, they give me hope for the future about marriage. Not that I am trying to get married today or any time soon, but it is nice to be able to see firsthand what happens when everyone is on the same page.

Fear of Being Liked and Loved the Right Way

I've been hurt by men far more than I care to admit. Most times I'm able to suck it up and do whatever it takes for me to forget about the person. I throw things away, delete messages and phone numbers and try not to mention that person's name if I ever have to refer back to him. There have been days when I've cried and moped or have been so mad that the only way to get out the aggression is through kickboxing or a workout so strenuous that the only thing I can think about is passing out from exhaustion. But what do you do when someone says, "I like you?" or "You're perfect for me" or "When you come back, I'll be right here?" Now I can sure take that as lip service. Lord knows that I have heard these things time and time again. But this time someone means that and I am running and pushing away because I just know that he is telling a lie just like the rest of them did, only making it sound extremely good. There's something about him, however, that says that he isn't lying. It's so surreal that I don't believe this person is real. Sure I talk to him, we hang with one another, but I'm waiting with baited breath for the other shoe to drop because I just know that it will drop. I've always asked God to send me someone that will feel the same way I feel about him, but was I too hasty in asking for this? Am I even ready for it? With the others I thought I was, and we all know how that turned out. But things are different this time around. The man is different this time around. So am I legitimizing my fear of being liked and loved the right way? Or am I being chicken shit about it because I know that I need something like this in my life? Or could it be that I'd rather he leave now before the both of us end up hurt? What a way to deal with this situation!!

Feeling guilty for one date with Jaime

This weekend I went on a date with Jaime. We had a pretty good time with one another. We both left our cellphones at my house. He and I went to the theater and saw "Mr. and Mrs. Smith." We talked and laughed and shared popcorn and sour patch kids. I was actually at home before 1am. It was a very nice and easy first date. We went ahead and made plans to go go-kart racing the following Sunday.

The following day, I called my best friend Courtney and her husband David and told them about my date with Jaime and basically got reemed for going out on a date. Actually I was reemed by David, Courtney just sat and agreed. "You have an emotional deficit and now someone gets to fill it without you having to put anything into it," said David the psychiatrist. "You've been hurt so much by men that not only do the people you hook up with are long distance and emotionally distant, but you put all of your energy into them and you don't get replenished by them." And just like that, I felt guilty. It was almost immediate. Just a movie- that's all it was, but when is a movie more than a movie? Apparently when the guy you like is currently liking you a little more than you are liking him at the moment.

Don't get me wrong, I sincerely like Jaime, but I also know that after what happened with Jon, I'm nowhere close to feeling like I want or need to be in a relationship with someone right now. Now maybe I'm using work and/or school as an excuse, but I need to get myself together first before trying to include someone in my life.

Been thinking about .... Lessons learned from past hurts

Not all hurts that occur happen in a romantic relationship, although those are the ones we tend to remember, linger on and dissect until we can't anymore. In speaking with a male friend of mine today, he said something to me that I've taken to heart. Just as much as the "love life" talk with my best friend's pastor made me look at love in a different way, my friend's comment on why things end in relationships now has me looking at the end of romantic relationships in a different way. He's said to me, "Sometimes it's best to not know all of the details in when a relationship ends. Let the end be the end and move on. Sure you will be hurt and you will deal with that hurt, but you will move on and be better because of it." As much as I know that this is the truth, as a woman I can't help but wonder what the real reasons are why men leave me. But then again, maybe my friend is right, it's best I don't know because I won't be able to carry that into the next situation. What I can say is that I refuse to travel backwards. I've already dealt with it. But if it means that going backwards will allow me to have the reaction I deserve to have, then it is necessary so that I can move forward. All I do know is something has to give.

Another wedding, a new lease on dating

Yesterday marked the end of the wedding season for me. My sororsisterfriend got married to her man of five years and it was a wonderful ceremony. As much as my feet hurt during the entire ceremony, it was filled with a lot of surprises. Surprise number one was the man I was walking with at the rehearsal was not the same man I ended up walking with in the ceremony. His name is Noah. He was quite handsome and charming. He even managed to tell me that I had a pretty smile as he was walking me down the rest of the way of the aisle. And all the while, I was focusing on the happiness on my friends, I later found out I was being checked out by someone else- his name? That's surprise number 2, Jaime. Jaime is a friend of the maid of honor and we all got along swimmingly. He and I got quite a bit in common and he's really a nice man. The maid of honor was pretty much like, "I'm gonna set the two of you up!" And I mean we hit it off- we danced, laughed, talked. But I also did the same thing with Noah. Shoot I gave Noah some of my cake! And Noah currently lives where I want to live- Houston, Texas. I'm going to keep in contact with him as well. And with the book I've been reading, it pretty much says that I need to be open to just chilling out with someone, just learning about them, taking it day by day. So that's what I am going to do- I'm just going to be open. We never know ....

A new twist to an age old question ...

Over the weekend, my best friend got married. It was a beautiful ceremony and I was choked up all the way through the ceremony for both her and her new husband. It was affirming to see two people who truly care for one another's well being and sincerely love one another to profess before God and man their commitment to one another to love, honor and obey each other. However, it is what happened the day before the wedding that struck me and is still rattling in my brain as a sign from God not to give up hope for true love ... The day before the wedding, I met the priest that married my best friend off to her new husband. He and I were talking in the sanctuary about the ceremony when he asked me, "So Caryn, when is your big day?" I let him know that there was no big day coming for me anytime soon. He told me I was gorgeous and that just can't be right. Then he took me aback. "How is your love life?" Surely he wasn't asking me about my private life! I answered quite plainly, "It sucks." He then said, "It can't suck because I know there is someone that loves you." Again I answered plainly, "No it pretty much sucks." "Do you love your mother?" "Of course I do!" "What about your dad?" "Yeah." "Brothers/sisters?" "Yeah I love my brother." "See so your love life doesn't 'suck' as you put it. You got a lot of love going on. And if you have that much love happening, then your big day, just like Courtney and David's day is coming when it is time for him to come." And with this notion, I probably smiled one of the biggest smiles possible because I have been keeping the notion of love wrapped up in this little bitty box called "romantic" love when I CLEARLY know that it is much bigger than that. I know that right at that moment, the Lord had the priest redirect my path back towards the right direction. Too often, we see love as only romantic love and nothing past that. My truth is that I do love a lot of people and I love them hard. My issue falls with not feeling like those same people love me just as hard, when I know that some of them do and some of them do not and that is okay, it happens. As long as I love the way I am supposed to love then I do not have to wonder if whether or not I am loved. Just as long as I am. That is all that really matters.

Learning my Lessons

It has been said that those that don't learn from their mistakes are often doomed to repeat them. Oh how tried and true this statement is! As women, we often don't listen to our gut instincts when it comes to love and relationships because we are convinced that we can fix any situation. Case and point- this weekend I got a call from a man I had serious chemistry with last year. When he and I would see one another, it was always that same chemistry, but the problem is that he would always disappear in order to "find himself." His finding himself would be for weeks at a time, oft times finding solace at his local bookstore and liquor store. This past time was no different. After weeks of not hearing from the man and writing him off, I get a call from him stating that it had been a minute since we've seen one another and he misses me. So like a jackass, I call to talk to him and we have a good conversation, but I should have known that in our great conversation that it would be a different story seeing him. I saw him the next day- still tall, stately and manly- no less annoying in his smugness and conceitedness. After four hours of some talking, him playing around and me getting beat up in the process, I'd basically had enough of it. I'd grown increasingly frustrated with him because for someone to ask the day before "would you be my wife?" (asking hypothetically, of course) to basically being a jackass, it became crystal clear that this man, as intelligent and as sexy as he is, isn't the person I want to spend my time with- it was too frustrating and draining. Damn near I asked out loud, "WHY IN THE HELL AM I HERE!!" Thankfully, it was time to go. But in my leaving he then says something profound! He says, "You shouldn't want anything I'm not willing to give." And it dawned on me, "You're right!" So I left, not waiting for him to walk me to my car. Driving away and getting on the highway, I basically made the decision not to look back anymore. Looking behind me is bad luck. If two people haven't hooked up so far and have been dealing with one another for a year, with both dating other people in the process and getting their feelings trampled on by those other people, it may not be the brightest thing to try to go backwards. Don't get me wrong, he's got some endearing qualities I would love for my mate to have- incredibly intelligent, funny, witty, sensual- but he taught me a good lesson too! Don't want for someone that doesn't want you back, you will only be frustrated.