First Married Woman Christmas

Well here we are ..... 2007 is coming to a close and 2008 is a year filled with plans and promise. I've had more than my fair share experiences happen to me in 2007 and 2008 marks my 3 decade of life. A life filled with fun and fellowship, laughter and loss, grief and good times. So what is it that I am holding on to that makes me feel like I haven't moved very far when in fact I have jumped over things in leaps and bounds?

I think about this as I celebrate my first Christmas as a married woman in the Detroit suburbs and I'm just sick about it. I think that I should have gone to St. Louis instead. There was nothing about this Christmas that was romantic or special. It honestly felt like any other day and is that how Christmas is supposed to feel or be like? No dinner at the table together where both parties are actually interested in what the other has to say. No surprises. No smooches while preparing dinner. It was just like any other day and that's what has upset me the most. I could have spent this time with my family, laughing and talking about stuff. I could have awakened with my oldest niece already in my face trying to get me up. The only thing that moved me today was the sermon and even that kind of had me in a down place because right before church, we got into it. You aren't supposed to fight on Christmas. And with it being such a happy time, why do I feel invisible to my husband. It's like he sees me but doesn't really see me. Almost like he's the main one with feelings and thoughts and emotions and I'm secondary.

So what I'm thinking is this ... maybe 2008 is my season of change and just getting right. I've spent a good deal of my life tot his point trying to get things right or good for other people while all the while neglecting the very one that needs the love and attention. I can't live very long if all I do is just do for others and not take care of myself and my needs. When I get sick, do I really need permission to take care of myself? When I hurt, do I really need permission to make myself feel better? Of course the answer to that is no. So if I know the answer then why do I continue to put myself in a situation where everyone else gets what they want and I just go without? Well no more! Because now that I am moving into my 30s, I have to take charge of my own life and happiness. As much as I love my spouse, he doesn't MAKE me happy, only I can do that.

First Thanksgiving as a Married Woman

This Thanksgiving holiday was the first one for me as a married woman. Besides the many family secrets that seemed to spill out into the street for the world to see, for the most part, it was uneventful. I ate too much (it's evident in my pants). I laughed alot and cried some. I even got the chance to lecture the generation up under me, especially now that plenty of them are teenagers and young adults (an interesting group). I also was asked alot about when I would have a child. And for every person that asked the question, I told them to love on our dog. I got the chance to hold my new nephew in my arms. I was able to hug on two out of six nieces. The only thing I missed doing was watching tv with my mom and falling asleep right under her. I spent time with my two grandmothers and prayed for my grandfathers who have long since left this life. I thought quite a bit about my marriage and where it was going. Being around family makes you reflect like that, partially because I could physically see what was really going on with the ones that are married and I got to speculate why other's weren't going to get married. For my family they wanted to know that I was okay although they could see the dim light in my eyes every time I started to speak about my marriage. I even entertained the thought of moving home, but I know that won't occur for a while now. I guess all in all, it was like any other Thanksgiving visit.

You Can Do It!

Yesterday, after lunch with a friend at one of my favorite restaurants, we went to one of our favorite places, Border's Books. To me, just like the toy store was to me as a child, I got lost amongst all of the books. Well, as I started to read through some of the more interesting titles, I came across a book in the psychology /self help section that just kind of spoke to me. The book is called "You Can Do It! The Merit Badge Handbook for Grown Up Girls." Now the book struck me for a few reasons because I have been trying to reinvent myself for what seems like forever. And with reinvention comes change or rather more like evolution. I know that I am a different woman now than when I was 25. But the difference with me now is that I know that many things around me and within me are changing. I'm realizing that change is a necessary and scary thing, but if I don't then I run the great risk of shortchanging myself of the life I know I am supposed to lead.

So this book has alot of things in it that has attainable goals that all too often, we as women don't go out and try because we make excuses for why we can't do anything when all we really need is one reason why you can. And best of all, it's one of those books where it's cool if you do it by yourself but it is even better if you have someone else with you. I managed to have two people with me. And you know what, I feel that through this and some other things that I'm working with, I will finally be able to get my self esteem and confidence back.

Been married six months and ...

the conversation has turned to children. Let me make this clear .... I do want children. For a long time in my life I knew that I wanted to have children, an extension of myself walking around. Of course though, I had this life plan built since I was 8 or so with plans to go to college, work a good job, find a great guy, get married to that great guy, get a house, get a pet and have a baby. For the most part, I've done that, but my original plan was to have all of that happen by the time I was 25. And by 25 I mean have all of that done by 25 with baby #2 coming along right about now. So clearly everything didn't go as planned, of course. Everything fell where it was supposed to fall. But here I am at 29 seriously thinking about children, along with a PhD program and home repairs. I read in a previous blog that you are never really truly "yourself" after you have big events happen to you, be them good or bad. I believe I've been altered along with the many big changes that have happened in my life. When I think back, the Caryn at 5 years old is different from the one at 15 who is definitely different from the one at 25. The woman that I am right now, I'm sure she will be different in another 331 days. But kids? Even at the point where I am right now, I just got good being the mom of a shih tzu dog. Maybe I'm putting too much pressure on myself. I spent the past 13 years of my life doing everything I could to not get pregnant and here I am wanting to have a baby. I hope that I can do it and still be able to hold on to a piece of who I am, but I already know, that too will change.

I'm now 29 .... 30 is right around the corner

October 15th, 2007 .... I turned 29. I didn't have a meltdown like I did when I turned 25. I didn't get stuidly drunk like I did when I turned 21. I woke up thinking to myself (yes at 5:00 am), "My God! Right at this time, the doctor told my parents that they gave birth to a fiesty little girl."I've been fiesty alright, for 29 years and 1 week now. So now that I have 51 weeks left until I turn 30, there are come changes that need to be made, some habits that need to be broken. I know that every year, we tend to make resolutions about the things that we need to improve on, but for some reason, this time, I feel like it is now or never. Eventually I want to become a parent, a Ph.D. recipient, a company owner, a kick-ass dancer, a better cook, etc. I know all of these things are possible. But I need to set actual, possible, maintainable goals and not go on with saying someday, eventually ... I need to knock those things out of my vocabulary. I know that the past has a tendency to hold people back. For the past few years, I think I have tried to make amends for things that happened to me before, and while that's nice, it doesn't change the fact that those things happened. So it's time! Time to be the difference, not just make one. Right now, right here, I have to start living life. Live it and not be afraid of it. Take on the true responsibility of taking care of my business and not blaming anyone for what I can and can't get done. The time is now to be a better everything, to handle my business better and I can't do that sitting on my butt. So at 12:01, the party begins. Countdown to grown and sexy 30's .... looks like I'll be changing the name of this blog soon enough.

Confessions of a Woman Getting to her Best Self

I must confess ... I haven't been my best self. My best self is a bad ass woman. She can cook, clean, pay bills, make love to her man, handle her business at work, maintain her close friendships and still be actively social. As of late, I'm not of those things, at least not all at the same time. It's almost as if I can accomplish some of those things at the same time but doing them all at the same time is just outside my reach. And it's not because I don't want to. I think I am finding that now that I am close to 30, I'm prioritizing what is truly important and what I really could care less about. For example, I'd rather get more involved in what my sorority is doing or what my church is doing rather than hang out at clubs. I'd rather spend my quiet time in the library than at some loud ass party where I don't know anybody. I'd actually rather spend time at home than out with a bunch of strangers. It doesn't mean that I don't want to get to know new people. It's not a bad thing, again I'm just changing my priorities. It came to me when I went to church this morning. Our church had a visiting preacher come in and he said something that struck me. He said, "Do you want to be whole? Do you want to be your best self. Because you can't be your best self unless you are whole." Wholeness is something that I've been working to achieve because it isn't something that can occur with someone, as many people tend to believe when they get married. It has to be something that occurs no matter whose around or what's happening. It's a work in progress. I think you realize that you are whole when you wake up one morning and you just feel complete. For some, it happens almost instantly. For others, like myself, it's a constant progress. It's changing your hair here, or meditating there or trying something new here. I believe getting to your best self means that the new experiences test you, stretch you and you adjust. I've been ready to get to my best self. Now's the day.

Three months after the wedding and people are still mad

I have come to accept the fact that people will not ever be satifisfied with what you do, not today, not tomorrow, not ever. People really have stopped talking to us because of the wedding, all because they did not get an invitation. Nobody seems to realize or understand how difficult it was for us to even get married. My husband and I had a hard enough time making it to the day of the wedding. We almost called it off the night before. We argued up until our wedding day and folks are in my tail about a frickin' invitation from three months ago? Please! I guess I'm at that point in my life, seeing that I'm closer to 30 than I've ever been, that I get it that I can't please everybody, no matter how hard I try. So I've chosen to make me and my household happy. You know why? Because we were the most important people at the wedding .....

My new role as a puppy mom

I want to first off say that being a parent is probably one of the hardest, non-paying jobs any person can have. To have a child that you birth, raise and pray to God you don't mess up as they grown up is probably both humbling and exciting. I look forward to the day when I tell my husband that we're pregnant. In the mean time, we're getting practice with our baby Shih Tzu, Lucky. Lucky is an anomaly of sorts. He and his brother Milo were the runts of their litter. They started off with one another and over time, Lucky grew to be a little bigger than his brother. He ate more food, took more of his pay stuff, pretty much did everything big brothers do. When we brought him home, I couldn't stand to be apart from him. I think that lasted about a week or so. Don't get me wrong, I still love and absolutely adore my puppy, but I find that his ways and the ways of a child that is still trying to learn the world, are a little trying. Our puppy is much like a little boy, excited about things like string and dirt, hates baths and would rather be around Dad than Mom, until Dad yells, then he would rather be around Mom than Dad. Potty training has been interesting because he can't quite seem to pee and poop in the same place. We get close, we celebrate it, and then he messes the carpet again. Of course my husband yells and raises alot of fuss, while I just clean it up and try to find a creative way to get him to poop closer to his potty training pads. He'd much rather play around than eat but then he whines when hes hungry. And yes around 9:30 at night, our puppy has his bedtime, and yes he raises a fit, much like a little boy would do. So I have to ask myself, is this preparing me for impending motherhood? Probably so, but I'd rather try it out on my dog and have it work, than to possibly mess up my actual son. However, I do think that once I lick Lucky and his habits, breaking my husband won't be so hard.

A Happy Marriage .... what is it made of?

To be honest, I don't know. It doesn't matter how many books are read, or seminars taken or advice saught; it means nothing if nobody is happy.

Soulstar .... Dancing again

I recently started taking salsa lessons and my has it been an eye opening experience! I'm finding that I have missed dancing alot and it was one of the ways that when I was college, that I could stay in shape without feeling like I am working out. There's something about daning taht is spirit lifting, sensual and exhilirating. Whether it is making a connection with a partner, getting a dance step correct or being spun and keeping balance, it's all connected. Dancing makes me happy, makes me remember what was good about being me. Even though it has been some years since I had formal training of any kind, I'm getting a kick out of it. I'm loving how sexy and all around good I feel afterwards. I feel that when I salsa, rumba, and cha-cha, that I am putting some good vibes out in the air. It's like every move I make says, "Hey Look at THIS!" And people really do turn around and look at it. Now that I know that I want this to be a hobby of mine, I now have to find a partner that I can compete with. I may have found one but i first have to take many, many, many more classes before I can compete.

Marriage .... House Duties ..... The Never Ending Battle

I've come to realize that splitting house duties is something of a mystery. In the course of a day, I clean the house before I go to work in the morning and when I get home at night, I clean it again. It goes unnoticed. For my husband, it's like the dishes miraculously clean and put away themselves or the bed is made by the bed making fairy. I'm not saying that I should get credit for things I'm supposed to do, but I would appreciate the support of his taking responsibility of cleaning up his mess, putting away his things and getting every dish he dirties up in the dishwasher. Is that so much to ask? I see what makes a woman go mad about her home and why she doesn't want anybody touching anything, because chances are that it won't get clean again or it will take her a very long time for everything to get right again. I think I should take the advice of one of my colleagues at work who used to have this problem with her husband .... she convinced him that hiring a house cleaner makes more sense than having digital cable .... and you know what? I'd rather have a completely clean house and no good shows to watch in my free time than 150 different cable stations and moldy dishes!

I've been away too long

Let me first say that I can't believe that it has been since 2005 since I have written here. Frickin' November 2005 .... wow .... well a lot has happened since then. The boyfriend I spoke about has since become my husband. The degree I cried over I eventually owned. The apartment we lived in soon turned into a larger house in the suburbs. The twice stolen car I owned turned into my first new car that no one else owned. I got the job I've wanted since I've started in higher education. Come to think of it, I have had plenty of good firsts since the last time I was here. The only thing that has not happened yet is my first child and I'm so glad that child is a little ways away right now. In the mean time, I'll have a dog soon. A shih poo named Lucky. And Lucky he is! He's going to come into a loving home where I will take good care of him and I get to see if my husband will also take care of him. This should be interesting because right now, he's all about him. I'll blog on that soon enough ...

As for the rest of things in life ... everything is everything .... I think the most difficult thing I'm dealing with right now and adjusting to my role as wife. When I first started dating my husband, I thought was the greatest thing since sliced bread. He still is, but since living together and getting married, I've seen some things that I thought I wouldn't see or hadn't seen before. It's like they say, the things that you once adored are now the things that annoy. That statement is true to the Nth degree. And I'm sure that he can say the same thing about me and my tendencies. But the fact remains, the gloves came off the day we said I do.

Been thinking about .... the holidays

Yes the holidays. It's almost like for eleven months everyone is comatose and then as soon as Halloween comes and goes, the world goes into a frenzy about Christmas and they make the nonsense last up through the third day of the New Year. EvenThanksgiving is a pit stop for Christmas shopping. I won't lie, I've lost my enthusiasm for Christmas some years ago, shoot with Thanksgiving too! After my parents got divorced the whole magic about Christmas just got lost on me because the realization was that Santa didn't exist (what a blow that was at 9 years old), the family was low on funds, and it gave people an excuse to throw pity parties for other that didn't have anything. Even with Thanksgiving, the excitement I used to have for it waned as I got older and moved away. I felt like, "Okay I have my family .... I give thanks for all of the things I have and have been able to accomplish .... can we just get through the snow and make it to spring??" In fact this time last year I was probably at my lowest point, contemplating moving back home, dealing with a job loss and reeling from an illness that pretty much over took my body. Then, there wasn't a whole lot for me to give thanks for, nothing really out there for me to shout about. But as with everything, they change and your life goes on with it's twists and turns, some expected and many more very unexepected. This time around, I'm in a relationship and it is the holidays. He's over joyed about the holidays and I am overwhelemed with his joyousness. I'm not saying that I need to have someone as callous as myself about the holidays, but the meaning got sucked out of it as the years went along. Now I am finding myself struggling with the burden of it all; wanting to get gifts for anybody and everybody I can think of, sending Christmas cards, making good food, actually being cheery for once, for real. The only thing that holds me back is gainful employment that brings along the money so that I can make these things happen. And I find myself back at the same stage I was in when I was in undergrad- wanting to do things for people that have impacted me but I can't because I don't have anything to give. And it burns me because isn't that what the holidays are all about? Showing off all of your good fortune and sharing it with those you love, right? Well only have one thing to share and that's my man and trust me, at this point, that's about the best gift I can give my family. The gift of peace of mind that I am not alone and wasting away in Detroit.

The Couple Life .... Blissful (so far)

Being a couple these past four months has been an interesting experience. To date, my boyfriend has been the BEST BOYFRIEND EVER and he deserves an award. I've never had experiences like this before and it has been mind blowing from the beginning. I also must state that contrary to popular belief, my eyes have been open all along and not blinded by one side of girlfriends saying "Girl his ass ain't no good! Don't Trust HIM!!" and family members on the other saying "Well it's about damn time you met somebody compatible! When you getting married?" Of course we have both friends and family members that believe that we should be unhappy because they are unhappy, but I don't have time or patience for that. What we do know is that neither one of us wants to be pushed into something we don't want, but we also know that the eventual reality is marriage. I know some couples get married after two weeks and stay together for years and well other couples get married after years, only to find they really don't like each other, and get divorced after some weeks. We both know that were only doing this thing one time (and for the record, if he wants out, he better die on the altar). We're taking our time because there are other things that have to be handled, like credit repair, upgraded health maintenance and moving to a place that can accommodate my stuff and his stuff. You know you've hit a new level in your relationship where you are pulling each other's credit reports and saying, "I hope you still love me after you see this crap ass score." We've seen each other at our best and our worst. We experienced exhilarating moments and reality checking moments and no one ran away or blamed the other for whatever reason. We just said, "Okay now that's over, let's move on to the next phase." I think we're both aware that changes will occur in our relationship and it will peel back layers on ourselves, reflecting all sorts of things. We have to be adult enough to deal with those changes. I want our relationship to always change, always evolve into something better. I don't want to be in the same place right now, four years later- what kind of changes would occur from that?? So yes, to date, the couple life is blissful so far and I know that will change, be it good or bad. But at least I recognize that it will change.

One month down ... a lifetime to go

Last Saturday Jaime and I celebrated being a couple for one whole month. I know that may not seem like a lot to people nowadays, who celebrates being a couple for a month? But to tell the but being a couple for one whole month and you know that you have been a couple for one whole month is fairly important. It's a step inside couplehood, admitting that "Yes the man that is trying to sing karaoke is my boyfriend" or "Yes this purse belongs to my girlfriend" while in the dressing area of the Limited. It is a major step!

Soon he will meet my mom and brother and uncle. I have to say that having him meet them is daunting because those that have met them, never returned. And when I say never, I mean NEVER! I can say that I am excited and nervous because he wants to meet them and I don't have to put the grip on him to make him do it. Yes he is willing! This is a very large step as far as I am concerned. I am looking forward to their actual meeting.

So now that I've answered the question, can I handle it?

So far, the answer is no. Actually I mean to say "HELLLLL NOOOOO!" But then I can hear my mother in the back of my mind saying, "Don't sabatoge this looking for things that aren't really there." But since answering "yes" to "Will you be my girlfriend?" a new phenomenon has started occuring. Yes, a new phenomemon is happening and it's called scared shitless.

When a woman has dealt with enough bs men, she tends to forget that not all of them are like that. She can go about her business, dealing with guy after guy, always prepared for the level of nonsense that he will bring to the table. In fact, the nonsense doesn't even phase her anymore, that's how much it has occured. And then one day, while minding her business, a man who isn't full of bs chooses her. But what does she notice- the shit on his shoes maybe? Nope, he's clean. So what do you do when there is nothing there? Well you do what you are supposed to do- you deal with it and keep moving!

Old School Relationships ... The beginning

I remember being in the second grade in Mrs. Smith's class. It was Valentine's day and we were allowed to give candy and cards to our friends. I received a card that was special from this boy name Maurice. For a third grader he was tall with hazel eyes. That day he sent me a Valentine's card and in it he asked me if I would be his girlfriend with a box for "yes," "no," and "maybe" on the card. Later on that day, after much serious contemplation that I could muster as a 2nd grader, I answered his question with a yes and I had a boyfriend, it was that simple. We ate lunch together, we played with our friends on the playground and laughed about silly things. Although I didn't end up kissing my first boy until the 5th grade or so, I knew what was relationship was- at least in my 2nd grade mind I did. My how things have changed since the days of those boxes, that question in particular. Nowadays no one asks that important question anymore. It's alot of assuming that happens between couples- never a definite, just assumptions. "So I guess because we sleep together, you think that we're a couple?" "I mean I go out with him, but he thinks we are a couple when we aren't!" The reasons, or rather excuses, could reach far beyond the stratosphere. I think if we came up with enough excuses why not, it might actually hit God in the face- give the Creator a black eye for it all. But all in all, we've either used or have fallen for many of these reasons/excuses. However, I have a strong belief that the planets will again align and one day I'll be driving in my car, speaking to a man that I've been getting to know for the past 2 months. And in our laughing about the things that have occured in our day, the conversation take on a new tone and will go like this:

"Caryn I've been meaning to ask you something."

"Okay, ask away. I'm always the one asking the questions."

"Well there's really no right way to do this."

"Well whatever you have to say, just say it. What can it hurt you?"

"You're right. Well, you know how much I like you and the past couple of months have really solidified it for me that you are the one for me."

"Okay ..."

"It's not everyday a man finds a woman like you- you have it all together and just make me feel good no matter what's going on with me. I like that feeling. You make me happy."

"Okay- you tell me that everyday. I'm just being myself, no more, no less."

"I know, that's what makes you special."

"What did you want to ask me?"

"So ... what I wanted to know is ... man this is hard ... will you be, well I would be honored, if you would be my girlfriend?"

What woman wouldn't want that?

He likes me .... Jaime in C major

To have someone like me as much as I like him has been a hard thing to come by. I believed that there was a time when no one would like me back because they were more concerned about what they could get from me rather than linking up with me emotionally. But here I am, trying to do my thing and work on me and someone chooses me and likes me. I wasn't trying to be chosen, I was minding my business. Lo and behold he saw me and wanted to find out who I was. I wasn't being spectacular or anything, just helping my sistersororfriend get married and being a concerned bridesmaid. I guess yellow attracts people like that. But I didn't expect to walk out of her wedding reception holding his hand. And although we've had two official dates, one visit before I left the state and a slew of daily phonecalls, he's conceded that he's ready to spend his time with me, his life with me. He's willing to do what I want to do, willing to go where I want to go. He's not afraid of it all. He likes that I'm funny and not so funny and that I get emotional at times. He likes that I'm working hard to trust him and putting effort in getting to know who he is as a man, as Jaime. I like that he likes me back. I like that he sends me poetry and tells me that I'm perfect for him, even when he's laughing at me. He says I'm good for him and the only thing he wants to do is to show me how much he wants to make me happy- he declared that he was gonna make me happy. I like that he is Jaime all the time.

Letting him go

The hardest thing for a person to do- regardless of race, gender, color, creed, sexual orientation- is to admit when a relationship has run it's course. We've all, in some way, have encountered this brutal truth being brought to life. It may have happened when you were in the car one day and the thought hit you like a blast of cold air. It may have happened when as you were leaving your significant other and it dawned on you that you deserve better. Or something touched you as you were writing about something completely different and unrelated. In my case, I had it happen last night in a dream where all over the place, in many different instances, "You deserve more than what you've gotten" kept showing up. It was time to heed that call. I'd never, ever expect another man to try and make up for the mistakes of another, he'd be working overtime in that case, but I know better than to make something work when it won't, no matter how much you try to super glue things back together.

So I say to him today, with sincerity, I don't apologize for loving and caring for you, but the truth is that we are not good for one another, despite our knowing one another for years. Part of me thinks that our chance to be happy with one another was doomed from the beginning, but we still worked hard to make things happen. Our lives are in two different directions on so many levels that sometimes even I can't comprehend it. I never felt that you understood or cared about what I did for a living even though I tried very hard to understand what you do so that I could relate and be there for you. I can't be where you are and you can't be where I am, even when the opportunity comes for us to meet in the middle. I don't want to continue to wait on someone who never shows up and I don't want to continue to have to redirect my emotions towards IM when I'd rather be touching you. Your career choice forces you to leave the country at times, be incognito for weeks, even months at a time, and I understand that. But my career choice allowed me to make the decision to get closer to you physically and it seemed like you didn't want any part of that. For me to be the woman I am and working hard to become and I need a support system that is right there with me, pushing me to work harder. I like that I had the chance with you, and we both tried, but I can't deal with it anymore. Emotionally, I am empty when I'm supposed to be overflowing and I don't want to be empty anymore. I came to this conclusion months ago, but I held on to the simple faith that I'd see you and what I was feeling was wrong. In true form, you never showed up- and that spoke to me on so many levels. I can't deny this feeling inside me that just grows and grows with each passing day. So with this, I say, thank you for the life lesson and the lesson learned. Goodbye.

An upgrade in thinking

The past few days of my life since I have come back to my hometown for an internship have been mind-boggling, at best. Not that things have really changed sufficiently since I left for college and not looked back in 1996, but how many things often stay the same, suffering from sameness, indifference and settling. A day or so ago, I sent out an email to my diva-in-training counterparts about going from good to great. I give all credit for the "good to great" ideology from Dr. Beth Triplett and a book she has gotten me reading called "Good to Great" by Jim Collins. I put the challenge out to my sisterfriends to push past only being good and not let current situations and circumstances determine their greatness. I think about countless people who didn't let their current circumstances determine what they did next. Man how a situation can stagnate a person's growth!! But it only stagnates if a person lets it happen. Even in my own situation, with money being tight, had I NOT taken the internship, I wouldn't have had this mental upgrade in thinking, and I would not have had the opportunity to learn about myself and my own drive. Besides, who got anywhere from just being a good boy or a good girl? Who the hell wants only to be a good doctor or a good writer or a good cook? In our world, we put more emphasis on being good than asking one, "What will it take for you, this job, this letter, this lasagna, this moment, etc., to become great?" Yes we can attribute many things to God, the Creator, Synergy and what ever other name you can call your Diety. Some of us attribute greatness to luck. I personally believe it is attributed to will, choice and work- you have your will to make that choice to work for it. We were all given the same amount of everything- brains, talent and will. It's what we choose to do with them that gets all of us from good to great to sustained greatness.