Coming up with a new plan

Well I think I have finally have had my day in weight court. I've been hovering over the same 200-205 pounds for the past year and it is time, high time, to get off this merry-go-round. I've come to realize that what I did five years ago to lose 40 pounds just is not going to cut it anymore. So I have decided that I need help. And I'm going to take that help in the form of Alli. I've thought about this quite a bit. Now I remember the big rave about Alli when it first came out and then the boos and hiss after hearing that if you eat too much fat then it will come out and quickly. There's no passing gas hoping that nothing comes out with it. Hell there's no wearing light colored pants unless you are really secure in your food intake. My husband has graciously agreed to join me on this quest because let's be honest here, we can't get right if only one of us is on the plan. Besides, I was there when he was at his heaviest and I supported him through his change. So what do I need to do? I need to document like crazy. Like I need to take pictures of my body and measurements of my body. I need to actually write down everything that I put into my mouth. I'm already documenting how much activity I do on a daily basis. The real question is this-- what will it take to have me stay consistent. Will I have to bribe myself to get myself right? Will I have to buy one of those refrigerators with alarms on them? Do I need to buy new plates that are smaller than the ones I have to ensure I don't pile it on? Well whatever it takes, I just know that playtime is over if I want to get right. I can't get right by myself. I'm enlisting an army.

Getting my Grown Woman On

Well I finally did it! I have finally reserved my ticket and space for the Mother/Daughter cruise in May. I'm so excited. Seven glorious days with the greatest women in my life along with one of my good girlfriends. This trip is gonna be even better than when I went to Dallas by myself. I'm looking forward to going away. I never realized how much and I needed to make a run for the border until this time of my life came up. I can't wait to be with my family. I'm working hard to get my body right and I'm also getting my mind right as well. I'm all about making sure I get myself on the right track to enjoying my trip away from my husband and my job. Next week I'm paying off the bulk of the trip for me and my girl and we're gonna be smooth ass sailing. And of course, what happens on the trip, stays on the trip.

Questions

It's something that I have had plenty of as of late. Questions like, "Why did my ex-fiancee contact me?" Or "Why is it that my husband and I can only get along after we have a blow-up, drag-down fight?" Or "Why is it that I am getting more satisfaction out of my job than my marriage?" Surely something is amiss in Carynland. Maybe the things that are happening is the foreshadowing of the things to come. If that is true, then I am in a not so good situation. I'm trying to make it out of my 20's drama free, not bogged down with it. The feelings that I have been feeling as of late, hell, I'm not sure what to think at this point. I've spent the past week and half trying to sort out some different emotions and I've somehow come to some conclusions. I 'm missing something very important out of my marriage and it is dating my husband. We don't talk or laugh with one another any more. All we seem to know how to do is fight. I couldn't even tell you the last time he did something romantic with me. I believe the inevitable has happened ..... I have become his roommate and we haven't been married a year yet. I'm so sad.

Treading Water

I've had alot on my mind as of late. In about two weeks I will take the GRE for the PhD program that I am applying for. I have three days worth of programing happening this week. I'll be giving presentations to Senior officers of the University in the next two weeks. My dog is eating mechanical pencils that my husband neglects to pick up off of the floor. I'm trying to continue to eat healthy and work out like I am supposed to. And of course, I'm trying to keep the spark in my marriage, which right about now, is as hot as a Michigan Monday in January.

I don't know what to do anymore. I'm working hard because I know that I have to in order to keep everything straight for my job as well as my marriage. In every marriage there is a certain amount of sacrifice. But should that sacrifice be a welcoming hug and kiss at the door? Should it be a "Baby you look good today" or "Honey I'll help you cook and clean up the kitchen so that we can talk?" From the looks of it, I've fallen from being my husband's everything to his roommate that he sleeps with. It's frustrating you know. As women, we do everything to ourselves possible to make us attractive to our mates and it just could be all in vain. Do you know how many nights I have gone to bed wearing pretty things only for his back to be turned? What's the point? I might as well wear the pajamas with the footies attached. And why, why, why does every conversation have to revolve around money and the bills? There are other things to talk about than what I'm doing wrong or what else it is that we don't have. I believe I'm a good woman and a good wife that's doing everything she can to make sure that everything is good across the board. So why the coldness? Jill Scott said it best, "You're in arms reach but, baby, where are you?" It's enough to make me want to holler. I guess it's just that fall from grace until we decide to try for children. Maybe then he'll pay attention to me other than asking me what's for dinner.

Been thinking about .....

my marriage. More and more as of late. There are days when everything is so good and sweet. We enjoy being around one another, we make each other laugh, and when the day is gone, we fall into each other's arms, as content as we want to be. Then there are those other days when I feel like we're disconnected, like what I say doesn't reach his ears and by the time my words do reach him, it's like their meaning has changed. When has the question, "Honey could you clean out the tub for me please?" turn into me nagging, especially when I know who keeps the house clean. I've often asked myself if I have made the right decision to even get married. Oh how many times I have asked myself that question! I almost feel like we would have been doggone good if we waited another year. I wasn't in a rush but in looking back, it was like a damn race to the altar and I wasn't EVEN at the starting line. I was trying to wrap my head around everything, including paying for everything with as much cash as possible, but all I got was hit upside the head. The stress, the hurt, the anger, the frustration- it seems like all of that keeps bubbling to the surface at the most inopportune times. This time around it was at church at the Watchnight Celebration and in front of everybody. If you didn't know we were having problems before, everyone knew it then. Don't get me wrong, I married a good guy who works hard and is going through hoops of fire to make sure that we are fine. I appreciate that more than anything, but sometimes I don't even think he knows me. More times than not, I feel like an accessory or an afterthought and not his mate. Hell at one point, I was thinking that I was his secretary, running errands and making him feel like the man. And here I am hoping that he makes me fee like a woman. But again, all that is an afterthought. He keeps making the same promise of being more attentive to my needs, we'll see about that, but in my heart of hearts, I already know the truth. I guess the only good thing that came out of it is that from this point forward I'll be going home for Thanksgiving and Christmas alone. That works for me!

2008 ... Just what will it bring?

We all know the answer to that question. No one really knows what 2008 will bring. Everybody makes resolutions to better themselves and make some changes but that time only lasts for so long and then it's back to what made us what we have become. However, I'm taking a different approach. I mean after all, this is the time to let the BS ride on and how you truly feel about some things come through. I'd like to think that 2008 is a time for renewal and a chance to right whatever wrongs I have. And with the time and work and effort put in, those changes that you want to happen, they really will happen.

Here's what I have come to understand. I've figured out that absolutely no one can make me happy, only I can do that. I think I got it about change and that it happens and there's no controlling it, but I can control the way I react to it. I get it about dogs and that if you take care of them, they really will take care of you (in their own dog way). I see now why people leave their jobs and start their own businesses and succeed. I get it that my health is my biggest investment, not my house. I can love my husband and know that what he did to get me, more than likely won't be what sustains me or keeps me because other things, with the emphasis on things, become more important. I got it that I am my own greatest inspiration and challenge. I can finally appreciate the struggle but I also know that in order for me to get better, it still continues and never really stops- it just may slow down a bit.

I guess I say all of that to say that I know that 2008 will bring it's share of high highs and low lows, but all of it will make me who I am to become. I made a promise to myself on my wedding day that although I am married I will keep me straight and in order. I promised myself that I will continue to be who I am and not a shell of a woman. I promised myself that I would do things that would be my personal pleasure and not at the mercy of my husband. But most importantly , I have to emphasize that I am still Caryn Reed. So what will 2008 bring, I can't say. But I can say that things that should have been corrected will be corrected and the crooked paths will be made straight, the bumpy roads will be made smooth and the adventure will continue on.

First Married Woman Christmas

Well here we are ..... 2007 is coming to a close and 2008 is a year filled with plans and promise. I've had more than my fair share experiences happen to me in 2007 and 2008 marks my 3 decade of life. A life filled with fun and fellowship, laughter and loss, grief and good times. So what is it that I am holding on to that makes me feel like I haven't moved very far when in fact I have jumped over things in leaps and bounds?

I think about this as I celebrate my first Christmas as a married woman in the Detroit suburbs and I'm just sick about it. I think that I should have gone to St. Louis instead. There was nothing about this Christmas that was romantic or special. It honestly felt like any other day and is that how Christmas is supposed to feel or be like? No dinner at the table together where both parties are actually interested in what the other has to say. No surprises. No smooches while preparing dinner. It was just like any other day and that's what has upset me the most. I could have spent this time with my family, laughing and talking about stuff. I could have awakened with my oldest niece already in my face trying to get me up. The only thing that moved me today was the sermon and even that kind of had me in a down place because right before church, we got into it. You aren't supposed to fight on Christmas. And with it being such a happy time, why do I feel invisible to my husband. It's like he sees me but doesn't really see me. Almost like he's the main one with feelings and thoughts and emotions and I'm secondary.

So what I'm thinking is this ... maybe 2008 is my season of change and just getting right. I've spent a good deal of my life tot his point trying to get things right or good for other people while all the while neglecting the very one that needs the love and attention. I can't live very long if all I do is just do for others and not take care of myself and my needs. When I get sick, do I really need permission to take care of myself? When I hurt, do I really need permission to make myself feel better? Of course the answer to that is no. So if I know the answer then why do I continue to put myself in a situation where everyone else gets what they want and I just go without? Well no more! Because now that I am moving into my 30s, I have to take charge of my own life and happiness. As much as I love my spouse, he doesn't MAKE me happy, only I can do that.

First Thanksgiving as a Married Woman

This Thanksgiving holiday was the first one for me as a married woman. Besides the many family secrets that seemed to spill out into the street for the world to see, for the most part, it was uneventful. I ate too much (it's evident in my pants). I laughed alot and cried some. I even got the chance to lecture the generation up under me, especially now that plenty of them are teenagers and young adults (an interesting group). I also was asked alot about when I would have a child. And for every person that asked the question, I told them to love on our dog. I got the chance to hold my new nephew in my arms. I was able to hug on two out of six nieces. The only thing I missed doing was watching tv with my mom and falling asleep right under her. I spent time with my two grandmothers and prayed for my grandfathers who have long since left this life. I thought quite a bit about my marriage and where it was going. Being around family makes you reflect like that, partially because I could physically see what was really going on with the ones that are married and I got to speculate why other's weren't going to get married. For my family they wanted to know that I was okay although they could see the dim light in my eyes every time I started to speak about my marriage. I even entertained the thought of moving home, but I know that won't occur for a while now. I guess all in all, it was like any other Thanksgiving visit.

You Can Do It!

Yesterday, after lunch with a friend at one of my favorite restaurants, we went to one of our favorite places, Border's Books. To me, just like the toy store was to me as a child, I got lost amongst all of the books. Well, as I started to read through some of the more interesting titles, I came across a book in the psychology /self help section that just kind of spoke to me. The book is called "You Can Do It! The Merit Badge Handbook for Grown Up Girls." Now the book struck me for a few reasons because I have been trying to reinvent myself for what seems like forever. And with reinvention comes change or rather more like evolution. I know that I am a different woman now than when I was 25. But the difference with me now is that I know that many things around me and within me are changing. I'm realizing that change is a necessary and scary thing, but if I don't then I run the great risk of shortchanging myself of the life I know I am supposed to lead.

So this book has alot of things in it that has attainable goals that all too often, we as women don't go out and try because we make excuses for why we can't do anything when all we really need is one reason why you can. And best of all, it's one of those books where it's cool if you do it by yourself but it is even better if you have someone else with you. I managed to have two people with me. And you know what, I feel that through this and some other things that I'm working with, I will finally be able to get my self esteem and confidence back.

Been married six months and ...

the conversation has turned to children. Let me make this clear .... I do want children. For a long time in my life I knew that I wanted to have children, an extension of myself walking around. Of course though, I had this life plan built since I was 8 or so with plans to go to college, work a good job, find a great guy, get married to that great guy, get a house, get a pet and have a baby. For the most part, I've done that, but my original plan was to have all of that happen by the time I was 25. And by 25 I mean have all of that done by 25 with baby #2 coming along right about now. So clearly everything didn't go as planned, of course. Everything fell where it was supposed to fall. But here I am at 29 seriously thinking about children, along with a PhD program and home repairs. I read in a previous blog that you are never really truly "yourself" after you have big events happen to you, be them good or bad. I believe I've been altered along with the many big changes that have happened in my life. When I think back, the Caryn at 5 years old is different from the one at 15 who is definitely different from the one at 25. The woman that I am right now, I'm sure she will be different in another 331 days. But kids? Even at the point where I am right now, I just got good being the mom of a shih tzu dog. Maybe I'm putting too much pressure on myself. I spent the past 13 years of my life doing everything I could to not get pregnant and here I am wanting to have a baby. I hope that I can do it and still be able to hold on to a piece of who I am, but I already know, that too will change.

I'm now 29 .... 30 is right around the corner

October 15th, 2007 .... I turned 29. I didn't have a meltdown like I did when I turned 25. I didn't get stuidly drunk like I did when I turned 21. I woke up thinking to myself (yes at 5:00 am), "My God! Right at this time, the doctor told my parents that they gave birth to a fiesty little girl."I've been fiesty alright, for 29 years and 1 week now. So now that I have 51 weeks left until I turn 30, there are come changes that need to be made, some habits that need to be broken. I know that every year, we tend to make resolutions about the things that we need to improve on, but for some reason, this time, I feel like it is now or never. Eventually I want to become a parent, a Ph.D. recipient, a company owner, a kick-ass dancer, a better cook, etc. I know all of these things are possible. But I need to set actual, possible, maintainable goals and not go on with saying someday, eventually ... I need to knock those things out of my vocabulary. I know that the past has a tendency to hold people back. For the past few years, I think I have tried to make amends for things that happened to me before, and while that's nice, it doesn't change the fact that those things happened. So it's time! Time to be the difference, not just make one. Right now, right here, I have to start living life. Live it and not be afraid of it. Take on the true responsibility of taking care of my business and not blaming anyone for what I can and can't get done. The time is now to be a better everything, to handle my business better and I can't do that sitting on my butt. So at 12:01, the party begins. Countdown to grown and sexy 30's .... looks like I'll be changing the name of this blog soon enough.

Confessions of a Woman Getting to her Best Self

I must confess ... I haven't been my best self. My best self is a bad ass woman. She can cook, clean, pay bills, make love to her man, handle her business at work, maintain her close friendships and still be actively social. As of late, I'm not of those things, at least not all at the same time. It's almost as if I can accomplish some of those things at the same time but doing them all at the same time is just outside my reach. And it's not because I don't want to. I think I am finding that now that I am close to 30, I'm prioritizing what is truly important and what I really could care less about. For example, I'd rather get more involved in what my sorority is doing or what my church is doing rather than hang out at clubs. I'd rather spend my quiet time in the library than at some loud ass party where I don't know anybody. I'd actually rather spend time at home than out with a bunch of strangers. It doesn't mean that I don't want to get to know new people. It's not a bad thing, again I'm just changing my priorities. It came to me when I went to church this morning. Our church had a visiting preacher come in and he said something that struck me. He said, "Do you want to be whole? Do you want to be your best self. Because you can't be your best self unless you are whole." Wholeness is something that I've been working to achieve because it isn't something that can occur with someone, as many people tend to believe when they get married. It has to be something that occurs no matter whose around or what's happening. It's a work in progress. I think you realize that you are whole when you wake up one morning and you just feel complete. For some, it happens almost instantly. For others, like myself, it's a constant progress. It's changing your hair here, or meditating there or trying something new here. I believe getting to your best self means that the new experiences test you, stretch you and you adjust. I've been ready to get to my best self. Now's the day.

Three months after the wedding and people are still mad

I have come to accept the fact that people will not ever be satifisfied with what you do, not today, not tomorrow, not ever. People really have stopped talking to us because of the wedding, all because they did not get an invitation. Nobody seems to realize or understand how difficult it was for us to even get married. My husband and I had a hard enough time making it to the day of the wedding. We almost called it off the night before. We argued up until our wedding day and folks are in my tail about a frickin' invitation from three months ago? Please! I guess I'm at that point in my life, seeing that I'm closer to 30 than I've ever been, that I get it that I can't please everybody, no matter how hard I try. So I've chosen to make me and my household happy. You know why? Because we were the most important people at the wedding .....

My new role as a puppy mom

I want to first off say that being a parent is probably one of the hardest, non-paying jobs any person can have. To have a child that you birth, raise and pray to God you don't mess up as they grown up is probably both humbling and exciting. I look forward to the day when I tell my husband that we're pregnant. In the mean time, we're getting practice with our baby Shih Tzu, Lucky. Lucky is an anomaly of sorts. He and his brother Milo were the runts of their litter. They started off with one another and over time, Lucky grew to be a little bigger than his brother. He ate more food, took more of his pay stuff, pretty much did everything big brothers do. When we brought him home, I couldn't stand to be apart from him. I think that lasted about a week or so. Don't get me wrong, I still love and absolutely adore my puppy, but I find that his ways and the ways of a child that is still trying to learn the world, are a little trying. Our puppy is much like a little boy, excited about things like string and dirt, hates baths and would rather be around Dad than Mom, until Dad yells, then he would rather be around Mom than Dad. Potty training has been interesting because he can't quite seem to pee and poop in the same place. We get close, we celebrate it, and then he messes the carpet again. Of course my husband yells and raises alot of fuss, while I just clean it up and try to find a creative way to get him to poop closer to his potty training pads. He'd much rather play around than eat but then he whines when hes hungry. And yes around 9:30 at night, our puppy has his bedtime, and yes he raises a fit, much like a little boy would do. So I have to ask myself, is this preparing me for impending motherhood? Probably so, but I'd rather try it out on my dog and have it work, than to possibly mess up my actual son. However, I do think that once I lick Lucky and his habits, breaking my husband won't be so hard.

A Happy Marriage .... what is it made of?

To be honest, I don't know. It doesn't matter how many books are read, or seminars taken or advice saught; it means nothing if nobody is happy.

Soulstar .... Dancing again

I recently started taking salsa lessons and my has it been an eye opening experience! I'm finding that I have missed dancing alot and it was one of the ways that when I was college, that I could stay in shape without feeling like I am working out. There's something about daning taht is spirit lifting, sensual and exhilirating. Whether it is making a connection with a partner, getting a dance step correct or being spun and keeping balance, it's all connected. Dancing makes me happy, makes me remember what was good about being me. Even though it has been some years since I had formal training of any kind, I'm getting a kick out of it. I'm loving how sexy and all around good I feel afterwards. I feel that when I salsa, rumba, and cha-cha, that I am putting some good vibes out in the air. It's like every move I make says, "Hey Look at THIS!" And people really do turn around and look at it. Now that I know that I want this to be a hobby of mine, I now have to find a partner that I can compete with. I may have found one but i first have to take many, many, many more classes before I can compete.

Marriage .... House Duties ..... The Never Ending Battle

I've come to realize that splitting house duties is something of a mystery. In the course of a day, I clean the house before I go to work in the morning and when I get home at night, I clean it again. It goes unnoticed. For my husband, it's like the dishes miraculously clean and put away themselves or the bed is made by the bed making fairy. I'm not saying that I should get credit for things I'm supposed to do, but I would appreciate the support of his taking responsibility of cleaning up his mess, putting away his things and getting every dish he dirties up in the dishwasher. Is that so much to ask? I see what makes a woman go mad about her home and why she doesn't want anybody touching anything, because chances are that it won't get clean again or it will take her a very long time for everything to get right again. I think I should take the advice of one of my colleagues at work who used to have this problem with her husband .... she convinced him that hiring a house cleaner makes more sense than having digital cable .... and you know what? I'd rather have a completely clean house and no good shows to watch in my free time than 150 different cable stations and moldy dishes!

I've been away too long

Let me first say that I can't believe that it has been since 2005 since I have written here. Frickin' November 2005 .... wow .... well a lot has happened since then. The boyfriend I spoke about has since become my husband. The degree I cried over I eventually owned. The apartment we lived in soon turned into a larger house in the suburbs. The twice stolen car I owned turned into my first new car that no one else owned. I got the job I've wanted since I've started in higher education. Come to think of it, I have had plenty of good firsts since the last time I was here. The only thing that has not happened yet is my first child and I'm so glad that child is a little ways away right now. In the mean time, I'll have a dog soon. A shih poo named Lucky. And Lucky he is! He's going to come into a loving home where I will take good care of him and I get to see if my husband will also take care of him. This should be interesting because right now, he's all about him. I'll blog on that soon enough ...

As for the rest of things in life ... everything is everything .... I think the most difficult thing I'm dealing with right now and adjusting to my role as wife. When I first started dating my husband, I thought was the greatest thing since sliced bread. He still is, but since living together and getting married, I've seen some things that I thought I wouldn't see or hadn't seen before. It's like they say, the things that you once adored are now the things that annoy. That statement is true to the Nth degree. And I'm sure that he can say the same thing about me and my tendencies. But the fact remains, the gloves came off the day we said I do.

Been thinking about .... the holidays

Yes the holidays. It's almost like for eleven months everyone is comatose and then as soon as Halloween comes and goes, the world goes into a frenzy about Christmas and they make the nonsense last up through the third day of the New Year. EvenThanksgiving is a pit stop for Christmas shopping. I won't lie, I've lost my enthusiasm for Christmas some years ago, shoot with Thanksgiving too! After my parents got divorced the whole magic about Christmas just got lost on me because the realization was that Santa didn't exist (what a blow that was at 9 years old), the family was low on funds, and it gave people an excuse to throw pity parties for other that didn't have anything. Even with Thanksgiving, the excitement I used to have for it waned as I got older and moved away. I felt like, "Okay I have my family .... I give thanks for all of the things I have and have been able to accomplish .... can we just get through the snow and make it to spring??" In fact this time last year I was probably at my lowest point, contemplating moving back home, dealing with a job loss and reeling from an illness that pretty much over took my body. Then, there wasn't a whole lot for me to give thanks for, nothing really out there for me to shout about. But as with everything, they change and your life goes on with it's twists and turns, some expected and many more very unexepected. This time around, I'm in a relationship and it is the holidays. He's over joyed about the holidays and I am overwhelemed with his joyousness. I'm not saying that I need to have someone as callous as myself about the holidays, but the meaning got sucked out of it as the years went along. Now I am finding myself struggling with the burden of it all; wanting to get gifts for anybody and everybody I can think of, sending Christmas cards, making good food, actually being cheery for once, for real. The only thing that holds me back is gainful employment that brings along the money so that I can make these things happen. And I find myself back at the same stage I was in when I was in undergrad- wanting to do things for people that have impacted me but I can't because I don't have anything to give. And it burns me because isn't that what the holidays are all about? Showing off all of your good fortune and sharing it with those you love, right? Well only have one thing to share and that's my man and trust me, at this point, that's about the best gift I can give my family. The gift of peace of mind that I am not alone and wasting away in Detroit.

The Couple Life .... Blissful (so far)

Being a couple these past four months has been an interesting experience. To date, my boyfriend has been the BEST BOYFRIEND EVER and he deserves an award. I've never had experiences like this before and it has been mind blowing from the beginning. I also must state that contrary to popular belief, my eyes have been open all along and not blinded by one side of girlfriends saying "Girl his ass ain't no good! Don't Trust HIM!!" and family members on the other saying "Well it's about damn time you met somebody compatible! When you getting married?" Of course we have both friends and family members that believe that we should be unhappy because they are unhappy, but I don't have time or patience for that. What we do know is that neither one of us wants to be pushed into something we don't want, but we also know that the eventual reality is marriage. I know some couples get married after two weeks and stay together for years and well other couples get married after years, only to find they really don't like each other, and get divorced after some weeks. We both know that were only doing this thing one time (and for the record, if he wants out, he better die on the altar). We're taking our time because there are other things that have to be handled, like credit repair, upgraded health maintenance and moving to a place that can accommodate my stuff and his stuff. You know you've hit a new level in your relationship where you are pulling each other's credit reports and saying, "I hope you still love me after you see this crap ass score." We've seen each other at our best and our worst. We experienced exhilarating moments and reality checking moments and no one ran away or blamed the other for whatever reason. We just said, "Okay now that's over, let's move on to the next phase." I think we're both aware that changes will occur in our relationship and it will peel back layers on ourselves, reflecting all sorts of things. We have to be adult enough to deal with those changes. I want our relationship to always change, always evolve into something better. I don't want to be in the same place right now, four years later- what kind of changes would occur from that?? So yes, to date, the couple life is blissful so far and I know that will change, be it good or bad. But at least I recognize that it will change.